#2415 - Adam Ray

[00:01] Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day! [00:14] What's wrong? Yeah, in front of the back. Part of it was rolling. Adam Ray, my man. Great to see you. Guest of the year, Kill Tony, how's it feel? Feels great. Did you get a belt or anything? Some sort of a cup? I should have. Some sort of a cup, like a Stanley cup? [00:30] That motherfucker. That was the last time I saw you, I think. You should get a jacket. That's what it should be. That's not a great idea. That's a great idea. We made these for the end of the Dr. Phil tour, which, by the way, we have our very last one at the Wilton on December 16th, if anyone wants to. Have you ever had Dr. Phil on as a guest? Yes. Remember for the Netflix special. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Yeah. It was so funny. We were in the green room. I met him like an hour before, and he goes... [00:53] He goes, now it's your show. [00:55] But I'm going to fuck with you. And I'm dressed as him. And I go, well, I know you better than you know yourself, motherfucker. So strap in. And he was like, oh, shit. And he was dying laughing. But the last time I saw you, I think I was Tony, right? Right. At the mothership. Yeah. The difference is like doing it on your show when you're doing the Dr. Phil show. Yeah. Yeah, that's a different thing. I felt oddly, you know, the whole show is improvised. So it's a wild thing to do an unscripted show with somebody you have no rapport with. Right. [01:25] of him totally so i'm trying to go i think everything i'm gonna do is hunky-dory with him but like i don't know if i'm gonna press the wrong button like at one point i think we said he said something where i go i go well marriage is tough i go but we keep it fresh in the bedroom right and he goes okay well you watch yourself and i go i was like we don't use butt plugs but he was he was such a he rolled with everything man it's good friends with his son

[01:52] Jordan? Jay. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got to know Jordan, who kind of helped facilitate the whole thing. He kind of got in his ear and was like... [02:00] This thing is... [02:01] pretty awesome and it's making you you know making both of them famous totally and not and i'm just glad that because you never know like i could have two days in gotten a legal letter just like enough's enough easily we i i actually entered the netflix special with showing his signed contract like to the camera being like look no cease and desist but you know you never know but [02:31] You know what I'm saying? I started talking about this on stage where it's just like the people that I am friends with that aren't comics, that I'll be in hangs with, that if I bust their balls and they get a little weird about it, it's like, oh, man. You're a bummer not only for right now and the hang, but just this bleeds into other facets of your life. Oh, for sure. You've got to be being self-deprecating. And within context, obviously, if someone's just making fun of you. Just being mean. Just being mean. There's a difference. [03:01] Me and me and being funny. Yeah. But like Tony, for example, like doing Tony on Kill Tony. I remember I was in Portland or in Eugene at my buddy's club, Olsen Run Comedy Club. Shout out. Great club. And I'm there and I tell the story about how Shane and the Biden-Trump thing came together. Because a buddy of mine asked me, he's like, you and Shane must do – [03:20] have been best friends like 10 years ago. We literally, that was probably the sixth time we've ever talked to each other. So we're getting to know each other in full makeup for two plus hours. That's a weird way to build a fucking friendship. Yeah. And so I had. You guys are so good at bouncing off of crowds and off of each other. It was seamless. Right. It was really fun. Yeah. There's something cool about jumping in the bit boat with somebody that's just like, oh, I just want to make the other person laugh. Yeah. Like I got comfy because he's Shane. He'd been nice about the Phil stuff, but like, you know, he, he was definitely established as Shane Gillis.

[03:50] Trump and Biden's trying to find I'm trying to find my ways to be a sniper when he's not known for being funny. But as soon as I got out there and I had the frozen eyes and I was like, and Shane started to break out. That made me feel really comfortable when Shane couldn't keep it together. But so this kid in line at the meet and greet goes. [04:07] You should do Tony on Kill Tony because I tell the story of how Tony was like, Shane's going to do Trump. You got to do Biden. I bought a new vest. It's going down, baby. [04:15] I do all that. And the guy's like, you should do Tony. And I was like, I kind of scoffed it off. And then I texted him and I said, what would you think about me dressing up as you? And he just texted back in all caps, absolutely. [04:27] It'll be your best character yet. [04:31] While we're doing this, unfortunately, people can't see anything. So they just see us. Oh, that's right. I want to show. Okay. Because it's so crazy how close you get to him. It's kind of eerie. [04:45] Your face structure changed. You look like a different person. It's like you had become Tony. You do a weird thing when you do characters. You oddly become that person. Give me some volume on this. Oh, the beginning, yeah. Give it up for Tony Hitchcock! [05:16] Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives?

[05:24] Bro, it's like you've got a different face. [05:26] You did something weird. You did something weird. Yeah, they taped my ears back a little bit to push his ears out. And then the teeth are the same. I just got the clothes. The hair, I mean. You look oddly like him. Yeah, it's wild. Less like you than him. Yeah. I would think that's more Tony Hinchcliffe doing an Adam Ray impersonation. [05:46] You know what was the best is Woody Harrelson was there that night and comes up to me after [05:56] He's like, I don't know what was going on or what you had to do. I was like, I watched the intro a bunch. I've known Tony since we both started. And he goes, you kind of got a little Johnny Depp going on with the thing. So then I started going, I go, Woody, I go, maybe I am Johnny Depp. Maybe I'm Johnny playing Tony. And then he was like, what the fuck, man? Bro, you should totally do that. Johnny is the pirate. [06:16] That's not a bad idea. It's a fucking great idea. I just heard your accent. Wow, on Kill Tony? 100%. In full pirate guard? Yes. [06:23] Jack Sparrow. Just come out Jack Sparrow. I'm a big fan of Horns Coombe. Horns Coombe. Yes. Dude. That's a great idea. 100%. Okay, yeah. Has to be done. Yeah, real understated. Has to be done. Wow, okay. That is your next big character. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. The Amber Heard jokes are endless. Oh, my God. [06:39] God. Endless well. Oh, my God. Endless well. I was just like, what sort of a pot could he pull from to kind of... Oh, cocaine. Yeah. No, no, no, no. And maybe every time he likes somebody, he goes, I'm going to give you the Joanie Dip bracelet of approval, and he gives him like a bracelet.

[06:56] That's a great idea. Wow, Joe. All right. Holy shit. This is a perfect character for you. People have pitched me to do... You should have a treasure chest filled with cocaine. Do you want to delete this in the podcast so we can save it? No way. This is great. A treasure chest. [07:09] filled with coke oh my god bring out a treasure chest filled with baby powder just got like 10 pounds of baby powder and just in between instead of heidi bringing out drinks he brings me bags of coke and i'm just blowing lines fucking full treasure chest oh that's so funny yeah yeah parrot a real parrot no no real parrot would probably freak out and have a hard time yeah we did i did just uh so i tried to this new character called bruce robbins at the comedy [07:39] and [07:40] I rented an owl for $1,200. [07:44] Harlan said he knew the type of owl. Harlan was on the show, too. A Eurasian, I think, owl. He said it's the biggest owl. Whoa. This thing was, so the whole bit was, this character, Bruce Robinson, has got a big blonde coif, big bow teeth. Kind of from the south, talks like this real fast. And I'm a magician. I'm a former real estate agent, too. But magic is my healing power. And so the bit was bringing out this owl that was like a psychic owl. And so people would ask it questions. [08:10] Freeman do voiceover. So then I would hold the mic up to the owl's face and then you would play the Morgan Freeman. So like somebody goes, you know, how many or is somebody asked is democracy, you know, is democracy ruined or are we going to save it in this country? And we had a bunch of canned responses. And so then I go, Archie, what do you think about Archie, the second gal, is democracy going to be saved or ruined? And then you just hear Morgan Freeman go gay.

[08:40] But... [08:41] But a real parrot for Johnny Depp would be wild. Or maybe a piece of fake one. I don't think parrots would enjoy that. It would probably be animal cruelty. It probably would. The large crowd of people screaming and cheering. And what's your creature? This episode is brought to you by Traeger Grills. If you enjoy food, and I mean really good food, Traeger is a game changer. This isn't just a grill. It's the ultimate way to cook outdoors, delivering unbeatable wood-fired flavor thanks to the all-natural hardwood pellets that fuel everything you grill, smoke, [09:11] or bake. That's it. Just wood and fire and flavor. And what's truly wild is how easy it is. Just set the temp, load the grill, and let Traeger handle the rest. Grill steak, smoke ribs, even baked pizza, all on one grill. If you're into fire, flavor, and doing things right, check out Traeger Grills. [09:33] This summer, the Cup is taking over the U.S., and only DraftKings has you covered every step of the way. Follow every group stage upset, every knockout round thriller, every stoppage time moment that flips the whole tournament. Sweat all the big matches you love in real time with a seamless experience built for the world's biggest stage. No matter where you're watching, you're always connected and in the game with one app. [10:03] to get 200 in rewards within 21 days. That's CodeRogan in partnership with DraftKings. The crown is yours.

[10:29] This episode is brought to you by the Farmer's Dog. Here's a fun fact. Research shows that dogs who maintain a healthy weight can live up to two and a half years longer on average than dogs who are overweight. [10:40] Isn't that wild and also kind of obvious at the same time? So why is feeding vague scoops of ultra-processed kibble still the status quo for most dog owners? Healthy alternatives exist, and trust me, I know. I buy one, the Farmer's Dog. I use it for both my dogs. They love it. They eat it up quick. It smells good to them. It smells good to me. It's human-grade food. The Farmer's Dog makes fresh food for dogs, and my dogs love it. [11:10] meat and fresh vegetables that are gently cooked to retain vital nutrients. They also portion out the meals to your dog's nutritional needs, which helps avoid overfeeding and makes weight management easier. And isn't getting more time with our four-legged best friends something every dog owner wants? The answer to that is yes, obviously. So try the Farmer's Dog today and get 50% off your first box of fresh, healthy food. [11:38] Plus, get free shipping. Just go to thefarmersdog.com slash rogan. This offer is for new customers only. Do you have any – has anyone brought – what's the craziest thing someone's brought into the mothership for like a – Like an animal? No one's ever brought an animal. I'm trying to think too. Except Paul brings his dog sometimes, but he's got a sweet dog. Yeah. And Ron's brought his dog a bunch of times. Right. Ron's got a cute little dog. Yeah. And I'm trying to think of when we did a Dr. Phil at the mothership, we didn't have too many crazy elements. You ever worked with Liza?

[12:08] Thank you. [12:08] She was in her, yeah. We did a game show. She made you hold her dog. Used to make her always hold her dog. She'd just give you a dog before she goes on stage. Take my dog and be like, okay. I know. And thank God it's always the people that love dogs. I've held multiple dogs of hers over the years. You know, because dogs die. Oh, yeah. She gets a new one. Bro, I had that new one with the scars around her nose. Yeah. Where she was one of those dogs that they were... [12:32] I mean, who knows what the fuck they were going to do to it. Yeah. But they had its face bound. I think she got it from China. Wow. Yeah, she did. Yeah. Because I think she calls it like Feng Chu. Yeah. Something like Dim Sum. Dim Sum. Yeah. It's close. Something like that. Yeah. Which is racist. Which is racist. Yeah, very racist. Couldn't have gone with like Albert or Jill. Bro, you ever been on Blue Sky? Yeah. [12:56] What's that? Blue Sky is like the ultra super liberal Twitter for people like Twitter's filled with Nazis. And they ran over to Blue Sky. Some guy wrote, I'm just trying to be Zen about it. And then someone under that wrote, how about try not to be racist against Asians? [13:14] Wow. For saying Zen. For saying Zen. I don't like that. That's crazy. That's crazy. That was one of the wildest reaches I've ever seen in my life. Zen is a state of mind. Zen is one of the best words to describe being tranquil or serene, right, is another one. Zen and the art of motorcycle repair. God damn. Zen and the art of archery. I was just talking about how my dogs are my Zen happy place, which, by the way. Imagine thinking that saying that is racist. Yeah, that's bananas. But that's how crazy.

[13:44] dealing with with humans out there. Some people are just off the reservation. Yeah. Yeah. [13:48] You posted something recently, or maybe you said something on a pod about your love for Marshall, and I wanted to bring this up because... [13:54] We're thinking about finally trying to have kids. My wife's had to go through some stuff to get us in a place where it's all right on that front. Satanic rituals, right? Yeah. Goat sacrifice. Yes, goat sacrifice. She did play some song recently that's... [14:09] that said it was some maybe an Ariana Grande or something song and I go I go are we sacrificing a lamb in the backyard what the fuck is this it was just so it made me feel so old because it was so just and I was like I just don't I don't know who this is but we're getting close to having kids and we have two dogs and I'm like I get emotional leaving the dogs dude I mean it's it's bad like and I don't even know how it's going to be with kids I mean and you can probably attest to that [14:39] When I go on the road, I know someone's taking care of my dog, and he's going to be great. Right. He's a sweetheart. He's great with everybody. I never worry about him. Right. Right. [14:46] The kids are a totally different beast. Oh my God. It's like you don't even, you can't even imagine how much you're going to love them. It's just, it's, it changes you as a human being because then you start to realize that everybody was a baby. [15:00] And then most of these fucked up people in the world, they just got a bad deck of cards. That's a great way to put it. And they just been handed a shit sandwich every fucking day of their life. Everybody was. Yeah, man. You run into them and maybe you're lucky. You had really nice parents. Yeah. You lived in a really nice neighborhood. You had good friends. You weren't in jail when you were 12.

[15:19] Yeah. [15:21] It's just... [15:22] you [15:23] You have more compassion for the whole world when you have kids. I could have been in jail when I was 12. I put a firework in my neighbor's mailbox. That's not good. That's not great. What if you had like a fucking lottery check in there? [15:34] Oh, could you sue over that? No, I guess there's no way to find out. No, he's going to kill you. He's not going to sue. He'd rather go to jail. The money's gone. Dude, we did it with... What do you have? You don't have enough money to pay for the $100 million loan. My single mom would have freaked the fuck out. Imagine if they said, no, you can't. The lottery is the craziest scam. It's so wild. [15:55] It's legalized gambling. Yep. Everybody does it. But you know what it is? It could be you. That's the slogan that makes people go, I never thought of it like that. But it's the dumbest scam because you have millions of people trying to win. Like at least in blackjack, you've got like a 40% chance of winning. You know, you have like fucking no chance of winning. You're just donating money hoping that you're the one person out of 5 million. Maybe even more. Maybe more. Sometimes the odds I feel like have been in like the 7 billion. [16:25] Let's ask. Let's find out how many people go – like, let's find a lottery, like a big one. Okay. Like, what's a big one? [16:33] Colorado State, maybe. What are the big ones that you hear in the news that get to – The Powerball. The Powerball. Okay, let's say Powerball. That's a huge one. They nailed it with the title, too. Let's guess here. Let's say – [16:45] Let's find out how many people get paid out and how many people buy lottery tickets. How many lottery tickets are sold?

[16:55] Okay, let's put this into perplexity. [16:57] We have an AI sponsor that can give us information now. Ooh. Elevated. Because I talk a lot of shit, and sometimes I'm absolutely wrong. So it's super important. That is important. To use perplexity. Good for you. It's crazy when you watch it work, too, because you put in a prompt. Can you show how it's working? You put in a prompt, and look, it just pulls out all those articles. Oh, my God. And then, bam, puts a synopsis in seconds. And a knowledge dropper. Look at that. Look at that. In seconds. [17:23] That's so crazy, dude. I don't think we realize how nuts that is. It really is. [17:27] Because guess what? Even if it was a couple seconds to compute and like process, you'd give it the time and space to figure that out. So here it goes. [17:36] The largest Powerball drawing in U.S. history, November 7, 2022, a jackpot of $2.04 billion. Over 100 million tickets were sold for a single major drawing as the jackpot approached the billion-dollar mark. For instance, when the jackpot reached $1.1 billion in another high-profile drawing, America's bought more than 111 million tickets. Yeah. [18:01] And similar or greater sales occurred for historical record draws like the $2.04 billion event. [18:08] Only one person gets paid? [18:09] No. Well... [18:11] Though there's smaller jackpots? You can hit a few numbers. So there's a $20 million range? Oh, there's smaller jackpots. How many people get paid out, though? Is it just one person? It depends. I think there can be multiple winners. Yeah, I mean, you would have a million bucks if you hit all five numbers and not the Powerball. Yeah. Right. But that doesn't affect the jackpot. Right. So I guess if you're asking who gets paid out of the jackpot, yeah, it's a winner-take-all situation. Whoa. But if two people or three people or ten people get it, it gets split evenly.

[18:41] Some of the numbers. You get some money? You can get some money. If you get, like, one number, you can get, like, five bucks back. Okay. They're just trying to keep you hooked. Yeah, they're just trying to keep you. Oh, yeah. They're just trying to keep you on the hook. Oh, yeah. And if you get... [18:52] Like, let's say you get... [18:54] So you've got to imagine that if you give them five bucks back, they probably bought 300 tickets. At least. So you won anyway. So I was going to bring up this thing that happened. I think it was in Texas. Yeah. [19:05] Someone figured out the loophole of like, how many tickets can you buy and how fast can you buy them? [19:11] and they figured out a way to buy [19:12] . [19:13] Really? And they won. They were profitable. It is a numbers game. They had to spend like $25 million or something. Well, is that legal? That's where they've gotten into some issues now. Well, here's the thing. Why isn't it legal if you're just buying tickets? If you have a shitty system. Yeah. If your system sucks. And by the way, your system's been ripping off everybody forever. Sounds like a personal problem. And I jump in on that system and give you all this money. I figured it out. And I win money every fucking time. Yeah. Hmm. Yeah. Maybe this is on you. [19:43] scam motherfucker you've been scamming us for years when you sell 111 million tickets for one for one winner you have 111 million to one yeah [19:52] That's bananas. Someone might not win, and it goes on, and it carries over. I love the stories. That's bananas. It's so bananas. All right, how's your schedule looking? Feeling busy? Got a lot on the horizon? Well, yeah, it's that time of year when life gets crazy and demands more of your energy, more work, more plans, holiday travel, all while it's getting darker and colder. It can really drain your energy, or you can get out ahead of it. Listen, I talk a lot about AG1.

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[21:58] Well, and families have been ripped apart from these types of – when they go public and name changes. I mean, I've heard all sorts of – there was a documentary about the lottery from the same guy who did – I think it was Spellbound. [22:12] Do you ever see that about the script spelling bee? They followed five kids around the country. It's a brilliant documentary. And it just goes to show you, I mean, they're all different walks of life kids. [22:21] And some are, you know, their parents are like spelling. They're all pretty like, you know, serious about it. But some are very I think there's a young Indian kid and his parents are like, yeah, spelling his life. And then there's a young white girl and her parents are also very like disciplined about, you know, her being on top of this. And then there's a young black girl and her mom is kind of like if she's happy, she loves doing it. I'm a supporter, you know, but it's all different walks of life. [22:51] until the big events, and then it's the actual spelling bee, which is just so fucking... You've seen some of these on ESPN, right, over the years? Yeah. And the pressure, though, is what's wild. Yeah. [23:03] at that age, deal with that type of pressure. Even though they love it, they're up on that stage. Fuck, I remember I played the Cowardly Lion in fifth grade. I freaked the fuck out. A, because I was a fat kid. My tits were falling out of the lion suit. I asked for ice cream cake instead of courage when I got to Oz. But these kids are having to – there's money on the line. The parents have – they've flown all across the country. Anyway, but the guy did a doc about the lottery and how it's – [23:28] The pros and cons, but mostly about how it is like a big scam and stuff. And it's, you know, just kind of a social experiment, really. Well, it's definitely a way to keep people hooked.

[23:38] It's a gambling thing. Yeah. It's 100% a gambling thing. And it's very, very profitable for the government. It is. But the thing about it is nobody who wins ever gets happy. It's not. Like, everybody who wins. More money, more problems. I want to say everybody who wins. [23:54] The vast majority of people who win go broke within a very short amount of time. Oh, really? Yeah, they blow through their money. And they wind up getting robbed or something happens. It's not like you've had an unsuccessful financial relationship with money and with funds and being prudent with your expenses. Right. And then all of a sudden you win the lottery and you're like, okay, great. I'm an accountant. I know how to handle this. [24:24] lottery and they've always been late on bills and now they're buying a rolex you're going from zero to 60 yeah you can't adjust this is the winner of that two billion dollar oh look at them wow dude look at them just a kid from la [24:34] Look how happy that motherfucker is. You better run, son. Run to Canada. Run to Canada. He's going to buy so much Under Armour. Go somewhere where they don't know who you are and enjoy your life and lie. Lie about where you got your money. You have to. Say you got a business. [24:50] You know, say your dad died and went in on a whatever. Yeah. Grandpa left you a lot of money. He had gold coins from the war. No one questions. No one questions old artifacts. Yeah. Yeah. Don't say you won the lottery because then people don't think you deserve it. So if you're Jeff Bezos, you made Amazon. There's pictures of you in the fucking garage with its Amazon dot com sign above your head. The early days. Yeah. The early days. Like, you know, that guy built that fucking company. So if he's out there balling, that kind of makes sense. You know, you see Jeff Bezos has a giant yacht. You're like, I'd have a yacht, too.

[25:20] I would do the same thing. [25:22] But when you get the Powerball and all of a sudden you got $2 billion. Just like that, dude. And by the way, it's not really $2 billion because it's $2 billion if you live to be like 1,000 years old. But they take the tax on it. They pay you like $100 a week. Yeah. It's weird. So they pay out. Or you can get all of it in once, in one sum, but it's never the same amount. They give you way less. Yeah. [25:43] Which is horseshit. It is. So if you want to get the $2 billion, it's probably like, what is the actual, let's find this out. What's the actual payout schedule that you can accept either the payments where they just pay you, like we got $[redacted address], guaranteed. Promise you. We're going to give you a little every month. But wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. What did you do with the 111 million tickets you sold, motherfucker? Yeah. [26:13] tickets. [26:15] What'd you do with that money? [26:16] Where's that money? How about give me all that? Yeah, no shit. What the fuck are you doing? No shit. What is this? [26:22] You can take a 30... [26:24] Year annuity option. 30 years. Wow. They want to pay you for 30 years. Would you take that or just take that? Nice and slow. Yeah. That's the way we do it, see. Nice and slow. It is that guy. How can I say this? This says this option pays out the full advertised jackpot amount. Oh, it's a different one? I didn't know that. Let me see if that's real. By the way, that voice, you were doing, that's for sure the head of the lottery. Nice and slow. A Mr. Burns Al Pacino type guy. That's how we're going to pay him.

[26:54] And slow. Oh, yeah, dude. In a Fila jumpsuit. Some dude just stealing money. He's got a fake Rolex on. Oh, yeah. Paying him nice and slow. Oh, yeah, dude. 30 years is crazy. If you win the lottery and you're 60, bitch, you ain't got 30 years, especially with lottery money. That kind of cocaine. You got to take it off. Cocaine and Ferraris. You got lottery money. What do you think you're doing? Because you, I mean, you're fine. Yeah. [27:19] But like, did you ever fantasize about like that? I think it's normal to be a person. If you as long as you've been aware of the lottery, I think everyone has had that conversation. Yeah. What would you do if you won the lottery? I remember having that as a kid. And I remember telling my dad I was going to win the lottery just to fucking you never have to work it like it. What? How did I even think to? But you just you hear about it and you're like the idea of of just getting rich right away and then not having to do anything, I think, is. [27:47] is pretty common in this country, right? Well, it's a wonderful idea, because everybody hates work. Did you ever think about it, though? Oh, sure. I played the lottery a bunch of times. But did you fancy that about what you would do? I don't remember how many times I played it. Let me think of how many times. You know, not a lot of times. I think I probably played it all told in my life less than 10 times. What did you write down or save yourself? I'm not a vision poor type of thing. But if you got, let's say you did win 500 mil, and you were in your early 20s or something.

[28:17] You would have gone through it all. That would be ruined now. You wouldn't have put it away for the fam. No, no, no, no. I'd be doing a GoFundMe right now. [28:25] Oh, man. I'd be going on some sad tour. Yeah. People would be like, what about when you had all that money? Fuck you, man. Fuck you, man. You know what I went through, man? Joe's doing safaris and stand up for animals. I think winning the lottery is bad for you. I know that sounds crazy because if you don't have any money and you want money, maybe not bad for everybody, but bad for me. Let me say that. [28:47] I think if I won the lottery, it would be bad for me. Yeah, because I'm the type of dude who needs like a thing to be working on. Yep. I like I have to I want I want to improve at stuff. I drive towards things. I'm trying to like figure things out all the time. That's a great point. I'm all of a sudden not doing that. Your drive is gone if you win the lottery, I think, especially at a young age, because if you're like, so let's go back to like when I was like 22. I was 22. I was 22. [29:13] I was working odd jobs while I was doing stand-up at night. I was working for a private investigator. Maybe I was making 20 bucks an hour. Wait, did you really do that? Yeah, I drove around a private investigator. Holy shit. Yeah, he was a good friend for years. He died recently. His name is Dave Dolan. He's the best. I kept one of my old phones just because he left me a message. [29:35] He used to call himself dynamite, dickless Dave Dolan. He was a hilarious guy. The funniest guy that I've ever met that wasn't a comedian. He was so funny. I love that. He was so funny. And the crazy thing is... [29:46] And what happened was –

[29:48] He lost his license from drunk driving, and he put in an ad for a private investigator's assistant, but really what it was was someone to drive him because he couldn't drive because he lost his license for like – I forget how long, like three months or something like that. [30:03] So I signed up for the job. I meet him. This is back when I was still competing. I was still fighting. So he liked that I could fuck people up and something went sideways. And so then we would go and most of it was insurance fraud. [30:19] It was mostly like catching people, like doing things like pretending their back was hurt. Then you catch them carrying roof shingles up a ladder. It was a lot of that. People, they get hurt like working for an airline. This one lady, oh, this was so sad. She let us into her house. I felt so bad. It was a scam. And the scam was... [30:39] Dave would show up and say, ma'am, my girlfriend was in an accident. And when the police took the license plate of the witness, someone spilled coffee on the report. And it's confusing which letters are the last letters. And one of them is yours. We got these two. They weren't right. We were hoping it's you. And they were like, what's wrong with your girlfriend? And he goes, well, she's got this injury, which is exactly the same injury that this lady had. [31:05] that she was supposedly getting, that she was disabled from. And so she's like, oh, my God, I had the same thing. And he goes, I hope you're getting paid. And she goes, oh, yeah, not only am I getting paid by insurance, but I'm also working under my maiden name. He's like, oh, that's great. And she goes, would you like to come in the house and have some coffee? She's the nicest lady. She had us in her house. We were two strangers. Oh, God. Some fucking thick-looking Irish dude with a mustache, that's Dave, and me.

[31:35] Like this 21 year old kid with a fucking crew cut and you're just letting us into your house. So trusting. Fuck. Giving us coffee. I'm like, she's so nice, man. We can't do that. We got to pretend this didn't happen. He's like, fuck her. She goes. Fucking thief. That lady's a fucking thief. Fuck her. I was like, oh my God. I can't do this. I only did it for a few months, but that's all he needed me for really. But we became friends. What a life, dude. [32:00] Yeah, he was an interesting cat, man. He was a fun one of the guys. There was a guy who thought his girlfriend was cheating on him or wife. I forget. And so it feels like a lot of the cases they get hired for. Right. Yes. Sure. But mostly what Dave did was insurance stuff because they they had the most amount of cases. It was all about fine. It's just it's just a numbers thing. Yeah. [32:23] So this one was, I think my girl's cheating on me. So he hires Dave. [32:28] to this this wife was hooking up with this fucking barbarian this dude who's this big old bodybuilder dude and he was just pounding her and Dave had to take pictures and then he like brought the pictures fucking. [32:44] Brought the pictures to the guy. And then the guy was like, well, keep following her. He's like, fuck you. He's like, I don't know what kind of tank you're into. Like, is this like a, are you doing enough? No, it was almost like he was into it. [33:01] It was almost like they were playing a game, like a cuck game. Oh, wow. It was, you know what I mean? Maybe I'm cheating on you. Maybe you should hire a private investigator and see the pictures. The guy just like, the girl was, the lady was very hot. And he was very not hot. And then there was this bodybuilder guy. Fuck, dude. It is funny you say that. My brain immediately went to, if my wife was cheating on me, that would be the worst version. Just a huge guy. Because, like, if it's Shaq, you go, if we do get back together, there's no way.

[33:31] But if you do, you can't go back in there. [33:34] Right. It's over. I mean, I see Shaq now with like when there's pictures of him next to his like girls he's dated. I'm like, how is that? That should be illegal. But I guess I don't know. He's gentle. I don't know. How do you how do you do that? I don't know. You got to ask him. Have you check on? [33:51] No, I'd love to have him. I love that dude. He did Fear Factor with me. [33:55] No way. Yeah, he co-hosted Fear Factor one day, one episode. That would be an unbelievable conversation. Yeah, it was like me and him hanging. I had a joke. I was like a six-year-old hanging out with his dad. I had a joke about a lady guarding the White House because it was during the Obama administration. A guy broke into the White House and they had a lady, an unarmed lady at the front door. And I had this whole joke about not everybody can guard the White House. [34:25] I'm like, if the White House is experiencing a Shaq attack, I'm the wrong dude to save the world. He's just going to run over me. He's too big. But that guy, when you're hanging out with him, you're like, okay, giants are real. There's real giants in this world. Look at this. Oh, you did at uni too. That's awesome. Oh, yeah, it was fun. But he's a fan of the show. He was real cool. That's awesome. Yeah, I see him at the UFC all the time too. Imagine that guy got into MMA. [34:50] Because he's a martial artist. He practices martial arts. That's right. There's some good video of him working out, like kicking pads and punching mitts and shit. He's got technique. Is it cool from your perspective when people like that jump into that art form? Are you just like... I love it. No, I love it. I want everybody to do it. It's good for your brain. And don't do it because you want to be Billy Badass, but do it because it's like the best way of releasing aggression and making you a nice person. It sounds crazy. I know. No, that makes sense. But like hitting something, like a bag. You don't have to hit a person.

[35:20] back, just boom, boom, boom, boom. You get all that shit out of your system. Wow. [35:24] Look at him next to Francis Ngannou. That's former UFC heavyweight champion Francis Ngannou, who is a giant man, standing next to Shaq. And Shaq towers over him. I mean, he's too big for the UFC. If Shaq, if the UFC was around when Shaq, no, no, no. He literally is physically too big. The UFC has a 265-pound weight limit for the heavyweight division, which is kind of crazy. Heavyweight should be as big as you get. I think it should be like 225 and up. That's what I think. [35:54] weight classes, but that's a separate conversation. But Shaq is way bigger than 265. Yeah, 350 maybe. He probably would have to cut 80 pounds to make the UFC's weight limit. I think he was under 3 when he got in the league. He was real slender, which is crazy to be that big and be that fast. The fact that he did what he did in the NBA is really wild. This giant super athletes, which is like the difference between the NBA, the NFL, and then the UFC. The UFC doesn't get many guys like that. Most of the [36:24] Super athletes when they're kids, they go into football, they go into baseball, they go into basketball. That's where the money is for a lot of them. Yeah. Like way more – there's way more spots probably for football players than there are for UFC. Like how many professional football players are there in the NFL? [36:44] I mean, there's 53 per team, and there's 32 teams. Let's find out. Over 1,000. Don't make me de-map. I'm stupid. That's why we do this. That's just that. There's also practice squads. There's another 12 or 15 on a practice squad. Okay, let's put it into perplexity. Find out how many overall players are employed by the NFL. And then do it for NBA, MLB, badminton, tennis, and croquet. And then cricket, Chinese sports. And checkers, Parcheesi, Uno tournaments.

[37:14] Pyramid billiards. The number for the NFL could get way bigger because there's guys that – [37:17] are half retired and only play like three games a year. Okay, so if you had a guess. Fifty-three times where there's 30. Jamie knows a lot about stats. There would be probably 22,000. 22,000. No, no, no, not 20. I was going to say 2,500 or 2,000, but 2,000 is probably a fair number. And that's just NFL, correct? And then you have XFL. How many people are employed by the XFL? Great question. [37:39] and [37:40] And baseball is a 53- no, baseball is a 53-man roster for baseball? No, baseball is way less than 25. So for UFC... [37:48] Just the UFC, I think right now they have 600 fighters under contract. Mick Maynard texted me about that recently. 1,700 players on active rosters and then another 400 who can move around. Okay. So that's NFL. That's just NFL. What a crap shoot. So it's essentially 2,000-ish. About 550 in the NBA. Okay. And the draft each year is probably another 30 to 40. [38:18] in school, right? So if you're going to play football, you play football in high school, you play football in college. Getting it going early. Yeah. But it's a sport that everybody plays and it's normal to do. Like everybody in the neighborhood plays. If you play baseball, everybody in the neighborhood plays. You play in middle school, you play in high school. MMA, you got to go to the gym. You got to learn. You got to get kicked in the nuts. It's a solo sport. You're going to get kicked in the nuts more than once. You're going to get punched in the face.

[38:48] sore joints because people are trying to break your arms. And then you're showing up at school every day going, what am I doing? What the fuck am I doing? So it's hard to get a kid that can also play basketball really well to decide, I'm going to let someone kick my shins out from under me. I don't know what kid would do that. And also are you – It's got to be a kid that only wants that. Yeah. It's got to be a kid that watches. Let's talk about Service Titan. Over 10,000 contractors already run their businesses on Service Titan. [39:18] trained on real trades workflows. This isn't generic AI. This is AI built specifically for contracting work, HVAC, plumbing, electrical, and more. It's booking calls, helping run your back office, and growing your revenue automatically. Every other industry is still trying to figure out AI. The trades are about to lead from the front. Service Titan, the AI for the trades. [39:48] This episode is brought to you by Blinds.com. Texas summers don't mess around with patio surfaces easily reaching 150 degrees, hot enough to make your backyard feel like a punishment. And if your windows are bare, indoor temperatures can go up 20 degrees. Get ahead of it with custom solar shades for your den and your patio from Blinds.com. Whether you want to do it yourself or have a pro handle everything, they've got you covered.

[40:18] whenever you want, but still have access to real design professionals. They'll even send free samples. Blinds.com has been doing this for 30 years, and they back everything with a 100% satisfaction guarantee so you can order with confidence. Right now, my listeners can get an exclusive 40% off when you spend $500 or more at Blinds.com and use the promo code ROGAN40. Limited time offer, Blinds.com, promo code ROGAN40, [40:48] apply to the UFC. Totally. He goes, that is me. Like Tiger Woods was golfing, what, at like two or three, right? Right. So not that you would be doing UFC or MMA at that age, but what is the young? But you would. Because a lot of people who have sons and daughters that are really into it, they start training them. A lot of these fighters train their kids at an early age. I remember having like, you know, WrestleMania types, like stuffed animals and wrestling [41:18] a passion, but like that at least it was like at that age of like roughhousing and throwing shit around and like trying to beat somebody up, but I guess to take a shot to the dick as a kid, like yeah, you gotta be made of steel. I think generally to the your parents encourage you to do it early and you do like traditional martial arts and you get kind of excited about it and then you start watching the UFC as you get older and then maybe you start doing some other stuff, like maybe you start out in jiu-jitsu and then you work your way to a little Muay Thai and then as you're like 13, 14,

[41:48] you probably start thinking, I think I want to fight. Yeah. That's what happens with a lot of these guys. You're probably not taking shit in school, by the way. Like if your teacher's like, Martin, I saw you weren't paying attention. You're like, I'm bleeding out of my dick, lady. You know, you've gone through some shit where you're like, this is not my biggest concern right now. Well, it's definitely not your biggest concern, but it's also boring. That's the real problem. When you do exciting things when you're young, you can't parse it out in your head and go, I know I have to do this boring thing because this is really important. [42:18] I know, man. You're kicking people's heads off. This is way more fun. I don't care about history. Did you... [42:25] Play baseball? Play baseball, yeah. Yeah, I did. What position? I wasn't very good. So I was an outfielder. But one thing I did do is I either hit home runs or I struck out. Let's go. Because I would never just try to get on base. The coach would always say, just try to get on base. I'd be like, right. I just fucking ignore it. That's cool. I hated team sports. I was not a good team player in that regard. Because, I mean, I was good in that I tried to catch balls. Yeah. And I tried to make the out. [42:55] You were the jokester. But I was also like, I am going to hit the fuck out of this ball. Come on. Because I hit my first home run, I think, when I was like 12 or something like that. Wow. And I was like, oh, this is way better. I was like, this is way better than just hitting a ball. Sure. Because as you get bigger and stronger and you get a little bit more coordinated and you feel what it's like to really fucking connect and get your body into that. Oh, yeah. But that really translated into martial arts, too. Because learning how to hit things hard, I think it helped that I learned how to hit a baseball hard.

[43:25] with like the torque and the lower half and the twisting. Yeah, 100%. Because when you're hitting a baseball, like I was never a great baseball player. Okay, I was just a kid who knew how to hit a ball hard. Still? I wasn't a good baseball player. Hand-eye coordination. But there was a thing about this, about this timing. Yeah. This crap like that that translated directly into kicking things, like directly. So I think learning that at an early age, I was like, oh, it's like a timing thing, but it's like a whip of your body. [43:55] And that's the exact same thing with kicking. My buddy, I'm actually wearing his hoodie, Cal Raleigh. His nickname is The Big Dumper. And he just lost the MVP to Aaron Judge by like four votes. But he had, and it was a big dispute and big debate because he's a switch hitting catcher. He's a catcher. He hit 60 home runs this year. The most by any catcher ever. The most by any switch hitting catcher, switch hitting player. He broke, he just broke so many records. [44:25] Statistically, he was outrageous in so many categories, but it was a big debate. I'm biased. Cal's the man. [44:33] You know, a catcher is handling so much more during the game. Aaron Judge played the outfield. And then Aaron Judge looks like if Four Loko grew into a person. Kyle Raleigh is like, you want to have a Bud Light with? He's a fucking everyman. He won the Home Run Derby. His dad, who was his high school baseball coach, was throwing pitches to him during. It was a better story for baseball. [44:51] But I actually want to get your opinion on this. If you are going, because I think the writers were just like, stats, like Cal batted like 246. Judge was like 380 something, I think, to end the year. But again, Cal like broke all these records and for a catcher and like made baseball cool and like put, you know, gave a position a lot more love. And he's calling the whole game. He has to know the whole pitching staff. He comes in early. He's he's catching the game, which is why it's unheard of for a catcher to be that offensively.

[45:20] you know, uh, powerful, but, um, he ultimately lost and a lot of people were bummed out about it. And, uh, [45:26] I guess my question to you is, if you were one of those, like, if you're assessing stuff like that, do you take into account, like, you know, what someone's impact for the game is? Or would you just go like, no, no, who had the best stats? And that's the MVP. Yeah, it's a good conversation. Yeah. It's a good conversation. Do you fall baseball enough to fuck with that? No, I don't. All right, let's move on. But objectively, I would say go with the best stats. The guy who's played the best. I guess. That's the most valuable player. But a switch hitting catcher. Look, it's a very valuable thing. [45:56] valuable yeah you know what they gave a lot of credit to is like judges in new york on the yankees and they get so much press and so much love and seattle's up here in the corner right furthest away like right everyone's just like isn't that the fucking coffee sound garden place and it's like there's a catcher up there i mean yeah i don't know i that stuff i think does matter the the national attention but um [46:18] I don't know. There was a guy that was a really good baseball player that became a martial artist and had a wicked right hand. This Japanese guy, Takanori Gomi. [46:27] Great name. Oh my God. This dude, he was a pitcher. He played martial arts and played baseball. Yeah. Wow. He was a pitcher and that's how he started off and he just had a whip to his right hand. Yeah, dude. And you think about how fast a pitcher moves his body. [46:42] I'm sure you've seen that one where – what's the dude's name that killed the bird? Oh, Randy Johnson. Bro, that's a former Mariner. That clip is amazing. It's unbelievable. It's insane. I know it's like sad. It's very sad, but it's a once in a billion thing. Once in a trillion. Joe, the timing of that. First of all, birds fly through stadiums like every now and then. And also you have the fastest throwing pitcher arguably in the history of the game. Right. At his peak. At his peak. Throwing, I think, 100. Throwing heat.

[47:12] imagine that bird right before that where do you think that bird i mean i don't know do they have thoughts fucking stupid brain look at her seeds looking for seeds fuck that bird fuck that bird that bird existed for that moment it did the universe wanted us to see it the bird was virtually pulverized and killed instantly famously johnson was sued by peter for the obvious freak accident sued that's not saying and look at this johnson resents the way he's remembered as the bird killer he was and you gotta let it go his nickname was the big unit when he was in seattle [47:42] No, I remember that guy. Dude, that's wild. And then there's the famous, if we're talking bird accidents, Fabio on the roller coaster. [47:50] Remember that? No, what happened with Fabio on the roller coaster? He got hit by a bird? Oh, man, this is unbelievable. He's opening a roller coaster at some theme park. I want to say Great America. And he's on the beginning and he's like, hello, Fabio here. I can't wait to ride the roller coaster. And oh, man. And somewhere in the journey, a bird flies out of nowhere and breaks his fucking nose, dude. [48:13] Yep. Boom. Feathers and all. That's crazy. So everyone's like, what happened? [48:18] Yeah, and then he goes on ABC to talk about it. A goose. It was a goose. He's like, I can't believe it's not butter, but I can't believe that bird had a vengeance against my face. He was the butter guy, remember? Oh, that's right. [48:31] He was the romance novel guy too, right? Yeah, dude. What a life. Chicks like reading their porn. [48:37] you know that great premise it was true it is it is true like guys like before porn that's what it was yeah well girls have always been into erotic literature

[48:48] And some of it's like, you remember the Fifty Shades of Grey stuff? Come on, man. That was like. All of a sudden, ladies wanted to get spit on and choked. Like, what's happening? My friends were telling me these stories. Like, she told me to spit in her mouth. I was like, what? [49:00] Did you do it? I know my stepdad was like, your mom wants me to push her against the drywall. I was like, what the fuck? [49:07] This is an inside thought, George. It got real weird for a while. But then it kind of died off and went back into the shadows. But romance novels, like pornographic romance novels. That's the first way. But they're not pornographic, like visually. Even like the way they depict sex is like a feminine way of doing it. But Fifty Shades of Grey, I think, was that was graphic. Yeah. [49:28] Yeah. What the fuck? What the fuck was that all about, ladies? [49:31] What? Who are you hiding? And then there was the Twilight one. You want a vampire that loves you and doesn't want to eat you. I'll never understand that. Yeah, I'll never. You want some dude who kills people. I guess it's not for us. Sucks their blood. He's been around for 1,700 years. He's only 16. The whole relationship is disgusting. This is disgusting. You're 1,000 years old. That's a weird thing. You've got a 16-year-old girlfriend? I know. What do you talk about? Also, the werewolves and just having... He was alive when Cleopatra was here, and he's talking to a fucking 17-year-old. This is stupid. [50:01] vampires or feet? [50:04] Oh, vampires for sure. Yeah. Feet's not that weird. It's not that weird, I guess. It's kind of, you know, they're cute. They look good. Yeah. You could justify feet. It makes sense, I guess. Yeah. The vampire one is nuts. Yeah. Like, how old was the vampire in Twilight? He wasn't that old. They were high school, maybe, right? No, but he wasn't that old. Like I was saying, he's a lot from Cleopatra. That's bullshit.

[50:26] He's really probably only supposed to be a couple hundred years old. [50:30] Right? [50:31] Is that the case? I never saw it. I thought it was supposed to be rolled, though. [50:34] At least 100. [50:37] Imagine a 100-year-old guy pretending he's got to pretend and hang out in high school. That's how he fits in. That's how he fits in. 100-year-old guy is going to force himself to go to high school. Yeah, that's weird. How old was he? 104. 104. Okay. In high school. By the way, so... Hanging out. Yeah, he didn't even look handsome as fuck. Handsome as fuck, dude. But super pale. Something was up. Well, you're in Seattle. You can get away with it up there. Totally. [51:04] I think it was opening night of Twilight. When I did this movie, The Heat, it was after Bridesmaids, Paul Feig, did this movie called The Heat. It was Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy. It was like a big buddy cop, and I played one of the bad guys. First big movie, summer blockbuster, I'm like, I heard the trailer was being played during Twilight. And I was like, never see myself in a trailer. So my buddy's like, we got to go to fucking. It was like they're playing the R-rated trailer, the red trailer. So we go to Twilight on like opening night at the Arclight in Hollywood. [51:31] I [51:32] RIP. And, uh, [51:34] And it's just all like, what, I don't know, 10 to 16-year-old girls, the whole theater. And then just me and my buddy just baked out of our minds, like very out of place. And everything's coming on. They're like announcing all the cast. All the girls are going nuts. But by the way, they didn't play the trailer at all. So we're sitting there and he's like, I'm like, all right, let's get the fuck out of it. I don't want to watch Twilight. He's like, well, we're here. We should watch. I'm like, best of luck. And I bounce. So I've never seen it.

[52:00] any of the Twilight movies. They're not terrible. They're not. They're not terrible, but they're odd. [52:06] And I don't necessarily think they're made for boys. I think it's a weird lady fantasy. It is. Yeah, it's for the girls. Yeah. Which is our equivalent. It's a weird lady fantasy. But it's very odd that there's a vampire movie that's specifically for ladies. You know what our equivalent is? What? Weird science. [52:22] The show? No, the movie, Weird Science. Remember when the two guys make the woman on their computer? Oh, that's right. Come on, dude. Anthony Michael Hall. I forgot about that. [52:30] Great movie. Jamie? Who's that lady? Jamie, pull up the whole movie. Let's watch the whole movie. That lady is very beautiful. Who was that? [52:37] Kelly LeBrock. Kelly LeBrock. British, I think. Yeah, she was the super hottie back in the day. They made her in a lab. That was one of the first movies I remember seeing being like, okay, what is this dick really for? Weird science. Great. Oh, yeah, dude. [52:53] Yeah. Oh, not Anthony Michael Hall. Oh, wait, no, that's a remake. Yeah, Anthony Michael Hall was the first one. Oh, there was a TV show. And was that Bill Paxton as the crazy brother? [53:02] Yeah, dude. [53:04] Who made that? John Hughes. [53:07] Come on. Just had his finger on the pulse of cool. [53:10] Wow. [53:12] How did they make her? What was the ingredient? It was just... Great question. You know? It was... [53:18] You sound like one of the parents trying to recreate her. So how'd they make that girl, by the way? This is Wyatt and Gary. I give her Wom Digis mammograms. Wom Digis? Wow. Oh, look, they have a computer. Yeah, it's good.

[53:35] Yeah, dude. [53:36] Alive! [53:38] What would you little maniacs like to do first? Oh, my God. That's her opening question? [53:43] Weird science. [53:45] If you want to be a party animal, you have to learn to live in the jungle. Not us. Not here. No way. She is turning their lives. Trust me for once, will you? What is going on? I don't know. I don't know. Their minds. That is crazy. She just wanted to make them cool, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She didn't even want to fuck. No. [54:06] You know they must have been like, dude, did you not put in the right code? She's here to, like, take us to dinner. Yeah, why would you stop with that? Let's try one that doesn't talk as much. [54:15] The next one. I think they just did it on their computer. It was just like a bunch of. It was so easy to do back then. Such a funny thing, too. Like, we were just so trusting. We're like, that's probably how you do it if you were going to do it. That's how stupid it is. Just put a bunch of numbers in a computer and your door to your bedroom explodes. I know. Make the boobs bigger. That's so ridiculous. Crazy. It's funny because people probably thought one day. Yeah. And they might be right. According to the plot, they hooked some electrodes up and they hack into a government computer system for more power. [54:45] For more power. Awesome, dude. Believable plot. Table for one. As long as we have more power, we can just make a lady. [54:53] But I guess when you're watching that, yeah, you're just like, that's, yeah, that's how. What are the odds that it makes a hot lady? Like, what are the odds that that works first time ever? Two fucking high school kids figured out. And we were like, take my money. Tell me this amazing story. Oh, yeah, dude. I'm surprised there was no scary movie type parody of that, of them, like, making the wrong gal or something, you know? Oh, my God. Like John Goodman in a wig comes out.

[55:16] What year was that? 85. 85. Good for us. What year was Soul Man? Probably like 89... [55:25] Soul Man. I haven't seen Soul Man. 86. What's that? [55:28] Oh. Okay. Go to that. [55:32] Yeah. Soul man. C. Thomas Howell. C. Thomas Howell pretends to be black. So he'd go to a different school. He's like... I forget how it happened. What the fuck? What the fuck? Wait, what? Yup. Yup. [55:44] Bro, it's crazy. Julia Louis! [55:49] No, it's not even good. Oh, God, what? Oh, man. Yeah, Julius Dreyfus is in it. James Earl's in it. Bro. How did he sign off on this? Because people didn't know any better back then. Yeah, all right. [56:04] Fair enough. They didn't. They were basically just climbing out of the caves, and they were like, what year is this? He intentionally takes too many tanning pills to turn his skin darker and gets a scholarship. [56:13] meant for African-Americans. Tanning pills. He took tanning pills. Like as if they had tanning pills back then. Is that pre-tanning bed? What a dude. I have a peptide now. Now do you think somebody pitched? They have a peptide now that can actually give you a tan. [56:26] What does it do? Does it, like, just jack up your melanin? Yeah, what's it called? Somebody give that shit to Rachel Dolezal. I'll see if they take her back. Oh, my God. Did somebody pitch a – do you think somebody was like, we need a blackface movie? But what's the story? [56:39] And they're like, well, it was a comedy. He wants to be tan. He takes too many. He tans too hard. He's like, [56:44] Thank you. [56:45] It was a cut, yeah.

[56:46] And he can't get into scholarship any other way? That must be – Is that part of it? I guess, right? So he got a scholarship because he was black? It says African-American studies. Yeah. Do you have to be African-American? Study African-American studies? That doesn't even make sense. Yeah, we're finding some holes in this. That's just as bad as weird science. This is more science fiction. I found a New York Times 1985 article talking about warning pills about getting an early tan. They had pills for getting a tan back then. Whoa. What did it do? [57:16] do that to you. It says, FDA replied, canthanaxanthana is not approved for use to be ingested to color the human body. What? [57:26] In oral tanning products, the use of canthanaxin in oral tanning products is illegal. Tanning products have been seized under the provisions of the Food, Drug, and Cosmetic Act, and further attempts to import these tanning products. Oh, it's all imported. [57:40] FDA warns that tanning pills contain food colorings that accumulate in the blood, skin, fatty tissue, and organs. [57:48] Such as the liver, they often cause the user's skin to acquire an orange tint. [57:57] I didn't take the pills. I took no pills. They told me to take the pills. I said I don't need it. I took a lot of those pills. I took two of those pills. Wouldn't you love the Biden cocktail that they would give him when he would have to do press conferences or a debate? The debate cocktail must be extraordinary. It was just Capri Sun and Plan B gummies.

[58:19] Bro, it must be extraordinary. What about this guy? Get a real tan, not a fake orange tan. [58:24] Sun tan pills. You can get a real tan. Oh, my God. That guy looks... Yeah, he went from, like, white guy to... That's not real. I know. That's not real. No. They put a filter on his ass. But they used to be able to sell anything in the back of magazines. It would just be a total scam. Oh, really? Oh, my God. You knew it was a scam just because it was in the back of the mag or what? X-ray goggles and all kinds of shit that didn't work. Like SkyMall shit? No, it was like the back of stupid magazines and stuff. They were just fake ads. There was no rules back then. Fuck. People would just scam people, sell you things. [58:54] shit and you're like, you're stupid enough to send your money through the mail and you never got anything back. [58:58] I'll see some of that stuff on Amazon every now and then where I'm like, how is this up there? Amazon has a lot of fake products, unfortunately. There's a lot of fake supplements that are sold on Amazon. No way. Yeah, so if you buy from a major company like Pure Encapsulation. Why don't they filter? TikTok trend again somehow, obviously. Oh, TikTok trend again. Tanning pills. They're taking it again. It's not surprising. We love our pills. America, what do we love? Our free speech and our pills. And our McDonald's. We do enjoy a pill. This is an ad for BetterHelp. [59:29] With the days getting colder, shorter, and darker, it can be tough for many, and really, you never know what someone might be going through. So here's a reminder to take the time to reach out and connect with the people you care about, whether it's a sibling you see every week or a friend you haven't spoken to in months. You might... [59:46] be glad you did. And more often than not, you probably would be kicking yourself for not doing it sooner. I mean, it's easier than you think, reaching out and talking to someone. The same is true for therapy. Plus, therapy is a great place to start if you're struggling to connect with someone. It's good to have a professional therapist you can talk to who can guide you through any issues in your life. Finding the right therapist has also never been easier, thanks to BetterHelp.

[1:00:16] and they do the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. It's one of many reasons why people continue to rate BetterHelp so highly. So this month, don't wait to reach out. Whether you're checking in on a friend or reaching out to a therapist yourself, BetterHelp makes it easier to take that first step. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com. [1:00:46] What is the – what's the – can you show me what it looks like? Is there like a before and after taking that stuff? That's what I was – that's what I did. That's what this guy was. Yeah, but there's got to be like some modern people. Are those – that one's AI in the second row, right, with that girl with the crazy eyes? [1:01:05] So this guy took it. [1:01:06] Maybe interesting it could have also just put tanning lotion. Yeah, I mean that's the thing. Yeah, it's like those before and after weight loss things It's like was it really the product that did you just you know? We're talking about last night Brendan Shaw and I one time we're watching these bodybuilders and you know bodybuilders used to die and [1:01:24] all of their skin, including their face. For what? [1:01:27] Well, the more – the darker your skin is, the more contrast, the more it shows your muscles. Gotcha. So when they get like real shredded and they dye their skin like super dark brown. I always wondered why they were all so – [1:01:38] But now, after the woke stuff, it's become offensive to dye your face. So they dye their whole body, and they leave their face white. So they have chocolate body, full chocolate body, white face. It's so silly. The Neapolitan body. It's so silly. It's like, what are you doing? Who got him? Who came? What is this craziness you've done here? Who complained about that? Look at him. Look.

[1:02:01] Look how kooky that is. That's not even the kookiest. There's some really kooky ones where people have white faces. [1:02:11] Dude, what are you doing? There's a whole video of me and Chob with a bunch of different examples of it where we thought it was really funny. [1:02:19] Man, the discipline of the bodybuilders. But it got weird because they, yeah, look at that guy. That's ridiculous because he can't do his face like that because he looks fully black. [1:02:30] So now you just have to accept that this is how they're all going to come out and look on stage and just... [1:02:35] Well, that guy went for it. He's like, fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it, I'm going blackface. Yeah, that's Bered Brines. Yeah. Yeah, you can kind of go brownface. But if you want to get full chocolate body, like some guys go full dark. Dude, wow. Like so dark they could be like straight from Cameroon. Can I ask you a real... That guy's pretty dark right there. I mean, damn, look at those quads. I just want to know, like, and I mean no disrespect by this. What... [1:03:00] What, why? Why, like what makes you wanna have, there was a girl I went to elementary school with [1:03:08] And she, for a little bit, became a bodybuilder. And I think I looked at it as she had kids. I think she was maybe midlife crisis and was just like, I want to do something where I push myself and get into shredded amazing shape is how I viewed it from a Facebook vantage point. But like. [1:03:27] Is this in you as a kid? Is it like you have a thirst for working out and then you just go too far? Or is it the same way we, like, stand up and have an addiction to that and a love for it? Is it really like I want to –

[1:03:40] compete and win at this. It's not just about looking good. It's about having the best... [1:03:45] instrument and competing against other bodies and having the best body? Is that [1:03:48] Well, litter is a bodybuilding competition. Right, but like why – like to have your legs look like that, what is the – [1:03:55] Different people like different things, Adam Ray. All right. And they clearly like being jacked. Yeah. They like looking like that. Yeah. They look like a fucking living human Incredible Hulk. Yeah. They like it. Yeah. You know? [1:04:08] And there's still just people. I mean, people have always been fascinated by extreme bodies. That's why Pumping Iron was such a big film. People are fascinated by people that are willing to do this and go that far with something. Here's the question, though. [1:04:23] What bothers you about it? Does it bother you? Nothing bothers me. Why would you want to do that? I guess why. I guess it's just so far. Here's my question. Yeah. [1:04:33] If they had a pill and I give you this pill and all of a sudden you look like that, are you taking it or not? [1:04:39] Well, let me... No work. So when I... It's the lottery and a pill. So let me answer that question. When I played Vince McMahon on The Rock show about his life for a few seasons on NBC, I got a trainer to bulk up. I got a little bigger. Not Vince big, but there was a moment where a friend of mine came to me and was like, there's an easy way and there's a... [1:05:00] not an easy way. And I was like, what's easy way? And he did suggest like some crazy shit. And I was like, I don't think I want to be, [1:05:08] look like that unless the show really asked me, but I don't think I would.

[1:05:13] Would you want to look like Canelo Alvarez? Sure. Yeah. Sitting in a pill? Yeah. Yeah. [1:05:19] You take that. Yeah. You take really good muscular physique. Nothing crazy. Nothing crazy. Yeah. Yeah. [1:05:25] Yeah, and no judgment. But you would take that pill, right? Sure. [1:05:30] Okay. [1:05:31] I guess I'm more impressed. That was when Vince was 100 years old. I'm more impressed by the discipline of what you must have to do. Because I know that it's not just like taking stuff to make your legs look that defined and muscular. To be that guy at his age, that's bananas. Because you look at Vince McMahon's build, I don't give a fuck how old he is. I don't care if he's 80. I don't care if he's 40. If you're built that way, you're putting in hours, period. You're putting in hours. [1:06:01] There's no way around it. Like steroids don't make you grow. They make you recover. I mean they do make you grow a little. I think if you just took them and didn't do any work at all, I think they do put some muscle on you. [1:06:14] But – [1:06:15] That kind of muscle is continual work over decades. That guy's super jacked. Yeah. That's why I'm so split on the baseball steroid stuff where it's like Barry Bonds. Yeah. He took. It's the only thing fun about the game. Give him the roids. Let him hit the ball. Are we fucking stupid? Do you want to compete with China or no? No. [1:06:34] That's so funny. America! Do we have the means? Yes, we do. Do we know how it works? Yes, we do. But what are we doing skinny? [1:06:42] What do we got all these skinny hitters for? That's so funny. Oh, we've got to make sure no one's cheating. Make it legal. Hit all the home runs. Make it legal. Make it mandatory. I want every baseball player to be roided out of his mind. Just giant fucking superhero looking dudes who crush it into the fucking parking lot. Crack! I want baseball bats broken like five out of ten games. Greg Giraldo had a great old joke. He goes, I want Barry Bonds to come out as one giant chest muscle.

[1:07:12] Congress was like [1:07:13] cracking down on that and taking away records. He goes, you're taking away records. He goes, you know what else? He goes, because they say it's an illicit substance. You know what else is an illicit substance? Crack cocaine. No one's taking gold records away from Whitney Houston. One of my favorite Toronto jokes. Come on. But he's right. And you're right, I think. I mean, it is. I did a TV show with Barry Bonds. [1:07:34] I did a, there was a show that I did, a baseball show called hard ball where I played this baseball player and one of the episodes, it was Barry Bonds was like the guest for the day. Super nice guy. Cool. But he was normal size Barry Bonds back then. [1:07:50] Still riffing it, by the way. Oh, yeah. Still one of the best baseball players of all time. And super nice guy. Real friendly to everybody. And it was just like, holy shit, that's Barry Bonds. This show must be for real. [1:08:00] It wasn't for real. It got canceled. Fuck. The show died. But we did get Barry Bonds. That's awesome. But it was – [1:08:06] It was interesting because I got to see him as normal-sized Barry Bonds. Yeah. And then he got... There was a difference. Fulking jacked. Dude, it's like... Bro, he got fucking jacked. But you still have the hand-eye coordination. You still have to hit the ball. Oh, 100%. It's not making your eyes clear, right? It's not like... It's definitely making your body perform better and, on top of that, recover quicker. So you can do more work. So that's a big factor. That's the main reason people do it, is the recovery. Oh, yeah. Well, not just the big... Not just recovery, but your ability to work. [1:08:36] But especially guys who take EPO, that was with the Lance Armstrong stuff and the cyclists. What they're doing is so difficult for your body to compete in Tour de France. Notice how I said France? Like I'm sophisticated. Yeah, it's really good. Tour de France.

[1:08:55] I felt so pretentious. You've got to do that. You really did. I felt pretentious after I said France. I was like, ew. You wear it well. Ew. [1:09:06] Right. It's healthier to be taking steroids and EPO for your body because you're asking so much of your body. It's so taxing. It's so fucking absolutely brutal that it's like you probably should take something. But the problem was you weren't supposed to and everybody was. And they were like blood doping and doing all kinds of crazy. God damn. Did you ever see the documentary Icarus? [1:09:28] No. Oh, my God, dude. Put it in the queue. Want to talk about a documentary that you have to watch? Yeah. Award-winning, won a bunch of awards. It's fucking incredible. And it's the most, like... [1:09:39] The circumstances just laid out so perfectly. [1:09:43] Like it was meant to be. So this guy, he does this documentary and Brian Fogle, right? [1:09:49] Brian Fogle, great guy, was a guest on the podcast a couple times, did this documentary where – [1:09:55] He's a cyclist, and he wanted to cycle this race, compete in this race natural, and then hire someone to show him exactly how to cheat and take everything that, like, a cheater would take. And just take all the steroids and all the EPO and all that stuff, and then do the same race and see what the score is, see the differences. So he hires this guy who's the head of the Russian anti-doping organization.

[1:10:25] while the guy is prescribing him steroids and telling him what to take, that guy gets in trouble because it turns out they had – [1:10:33] They had doped the entire Sochi Olympics team, the entire Russian team. There was this huge scandal. They had drilled a hole in the wall, and they were passing the dirty piss through, and they were getting a new bottle of clean piss. No way. And they found it through microscopic scratches in these supposedly unopenable jars. These jars are supposedly impossible to open. [1:11:03] Well, then the Russians figured out a way to open the jars and then they would swap out the piss and put in the good piss. [1:11:09] Oh, my crazy. So now this guy lays out exactly how he did it in the documentary. He lays out the whole program and then he's on the run. So now he's in America and he's in like witness support. He's like witness protection program. Like they want to kill him. And there's currently. Yes. Currently he's in hiding right now. [1:11:28] And the documentary is why? You should get Danny the Dick. What's his name? Danny the Private Investigator. Danny Dick. What's his name? Dave Dolan. Dickless. Dave Dolan. He's dead now, unfortunately. Fuck. Yeah. That's why you said that. I'm sorry. That's okay. So when they – so after this, the Russians got banned. I think it was the Rio Olympics was next after that. And they couldn't compete. They couldn't compete as Russians. They had to compete as – they had to be independent.

[1:11:56] They couldn't represent Russia if they wanted to compete in the Olympics. To go to that extent, to... [1:12:01] pull that off. He said they doped up everybody except the figure skaters. He said the figure skaters, it didn't seem to give them any improvement. [1:12:09] Because it was all just really fine motor skills. So they were probably doing it for a while to see how it, to trial and error. They tried everything on everybody. [1:12:16] This is what happens when you have a military-run country that puts so much pride in the accomplishments of its athletes. It's very important that its athletes show dominance. And Russia shows dominance in Olympics in the most manly of events. [1:12:34] Their wrestling is as good as any country on earth. It may be better. There was a Russian figure skater doping situation in 2022. She was 15. [1:12:46] She tested positive for the banned heart medication, Tremitazidine. You're on that, right? A sample collected from the Russian National Championships December 2021. The result only reported because of Beijing Olympics in February 2022 after she had already competed. Did she have a heart problem? [1:13:05] I mean, is that like a medication that she's supposed to take? I mean, I had the court of arbitration banned it for four years. Wow. Interesting. So, well, okay, well, let's put in what is that heart medication? Yeah. [1:13:17] due to a contamination of a strawberry dessert prepared on the same table as her grandfather's heart medication pills. [1:13:24] Oh.

[1:13:26] And she said it was ultimately rejected as implausible. Let's find out what the positive effects of taking that drug would be. [1:13:35] Put in that drug and then put in performance enhancing. [1:13:40] What do you think? [1:13:42] I mean... [1:13:47] You think it's got a performance enhancing heart medication? I think so. What does perplexity say? Probably like EPO. Metabolic modulator. Yeah, increases blood flow to the heart. It enhances physical efficiency and endurance by improving how the body uses energy, particularly by shifting energy substrate used from fatty acids to glucose oxidation. It increases blood flow to the heart and stimulates glucose metabolism, resulting in better endurance performance. [1:14:17] cancers. Rather, it may improve exercise capacity, stamina, and reduce fatigue by optimizing mitochondrial function and cardiac energetics. I want to get on it right now. I was just going to say this sounds incredible. When Derek More Plates More Dates comes on, bring that up. Make a little bookmark. [1:14:33] comedians will never I mean there's no doping for us right? no except weed but that's not like making you it's a superpower it's a superpower for self-deprecation too [1:14:45] um [1:14:45] You know, the one thing that, like, we were talking about the green room, the guy who can't take a joke about himself. He's never high. No. If you're high and someone makes you funny, you're like, oh. This episode is brought to you by Tecovas. All right, guys, if you want boots that are made right, you've got to check out Tecovas. Their Western boots are sturdy and clearly built to last, but really sharp and premium, too. You don't need to break them in, either. They're comfortable straight out of the box.

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[1:16:52] Will you have a little Eddie or a little puff before you go on stage or do you try to keep it clear? [1:17:01] I like this guy. That's how I do it. I like this guy. 30 years. You're going to have to be Johnny Depp's agent when I go and kill Tony and come out briefly. Oh, this is the question I forgot to ask about the 30 years thing. What if you just take it all at once? What percentage do you get? [1:17:12] That – so yeah, I did find out you do get it all if you take it over 30 years, and you get a 5% increase every year for inflation. Yeah, but you get it all if you live 30 years. Like my point was if I win the fucking lottery and I'm 24 years old, I ain't making it 30 years. It goes to your state if you don't. [1:17:28] Fuck my estate. I'm just saying. I'm trying to ball out here. What are you talking about? I'm trying to get a jet. I'm trying to ball, Jamie. I'm trying to get a rose. A jet, yeah. I want diamonds in my teeth. [1:17:40] Would you go full? Well, you would, huh? Full grill? Yeah. I'm surprised you haven't at this point. Maybe one day. Maybe when it all starts falling apart, I'll start doing heroin, get a grill. [1:17:51] I want to try crack. [1:17:54] Hunter Biden was talking about it. It's like, it sounds wonderful. It's not giving me an exact number. At the very least, you've got to take out the 37% for federal taxes. [1:18:01] 37%? The government takes 37%. These motherfuckers. That's wild, dude. You didn't buy one ticket, you cunts. And it's your money. That sucks. [1:18:11] You buy the tickets and they're like, yeah, we got all the money from it, but then we want more of your money too. We want money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money. And then what happens after that?

[1:18:23] It says that it depends on – then state taxes depends on where you live because – Okay, so 37 percent. But if you get one payout all at once, is it the $2 billion? No. I mean you'd get like one point, whatever the fuck it is. [1:18:36] It's also lower. But it's not just the 37% taxes that get drawn out. If you take it in one payment, you get less. It's giving me on a $593 million jackpot for some reason, the pre-tax lump sum cash option is approximately $277.6 million. [1:18:53] Out of 500? Yikes. Almost 600. So you get less than half. Yeah. Yeah. [1:18:58] But you... [1:18:59] You get it right now. You're getting it tomorrow. I think that's what I'd do. Yeah, I'm stupid. I would do that. Take it all. Give me it all right now. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. Tomorrow. Totally. Especially after I get this. You don't. Because I have. Dude, I would... Oh, man. I'd probably go to like... [1:19:15] I'd go to Shaq. I'd be like, you want to make Kazam 2? I'd buy a house near my folks. I'd go to Iran and go, how much for a rocket? [1:19:23] Whoa. [1:19:25] How much? Where would you? [1:19:28] You want your own? He's like, are you serious? Bro, if I got to Jeff Bezos' money, for sure I'm buying a rocket. And where are you going with it? [1:19:36] Wherever. Rancho Cucamonga? Wherever. They're barely reusable. They will be by then. If I get that old and that rich, I'm buying rockets. What happened to the subway system that was supposed to go like L.A. to San Fran in like a minute? [1:19:50] What was that? What? No, come on. I feel like you was the boring company. No, the boring thing was like it was it was going to be some sort of high speed rail. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that was really just a money scam. Fuck. They didn't do anything. Almost like helicopter Uber was like, I think lasted for two days. How much did they spend on the high speed rail?

[1:20:11] project [1:20:12] Let's find that out. I did not. Let's take a guess. I would not get on that. I don't think that they've spent it all, but there is $4 billion in federal funding. Wow. It has implications. What a great idea. And how much have they built? Oh, none. They're like tired of it. What other company? What other company? Imagine if you hired General Dynamics, whatever, and said, hey, how much for you guys to make me train and make it go really fast? Yeah. And they said, well, I think we could do it for about $4 billion. [1:20:42] Okay, let's do it. Thanks for the budget. And then you give them the money, and then you go back 10 years later. You're busy. You're not paying attention. You're like, hey, how's the train doing? How far did you guys get? Not great. [1:20:53] Not great. We didn't get anywhere. Yeah, we didn't get anywhere. We don't have any more money. But I thought you were telling us. What did you spend it on? What happened? Well, there's a lot of NGOs that are attached to this. We also bought a lot of Powerball tickets. And we had an indigenous land, which is a land acknowledgement. They have a smaller version in Florida, and there are people dying all the time. Whoa. Because people think that they can beat it, and they can't. What? Wait, beat it? [1:21:14] Wait. [1:21:14] Because they think in Florida there's tons of trains going on all the time. It's a normal train, and you think you can get across faster. Oh, so it's a lot faster than the normal train? What kind of train is this? It goes 125 miles an hour? Yeah. Regular train is like, what, 80? Oh, so how many people? 180 deaths make it in America's most dangerous passenger train. Just because people try to run across the tracks? Yeah. Bro, that's so crazy. And now you put up stats like that, and you've got some psycho kids that are like, [1:21:40] Oh, my God. Look at all the people that have died. Now we've got to go test the limits. Can you show me what it looks like when it goes by?

[1:21:46] Is there a video of it going by? [1:21:48] It's the Randy Johnson of trains. [1:21:50] I want to see Drive-By. Yeah, there's got to be a video. I want to see what that's like. [1:21:54] There was one that I just saw from – [1:21:57] I think it was Japan that's bananas. [1:22:00] Can you imagine getting hit by a train? [1:22:02] Oh, dude. That might be really... It would be instantaneous. Yeah, I guess you wouldn't feel anything. Let's see how fast it goes. [1:22:09] Give me a gift. [1:22:09] Whoa! That's pretty quick. Yeah. That's scary. That's quick. See that again. [1:22:17] Oh, man. [1:22:20] But the one in, I think it was Japan... [1:22:23] I think Japan has some new crazy high-speed one that's like three times faster than that. Why? Why? [1:22:29] They want to get somewhere quick? Yeah. [1:22:31] No time to waste, motherfucker. I know. Time is money. Gotta get going. I know, dude. [1:22:35] *cough* [1:22:36] That's really what it is. Yeah. They're making jets now that are going to be supersonic again. You know, after the... Watch this. Watch this motherfucker. Watch this. What the fuck? Yeah. Wait, that's not AI. Holy shit. Holy shit. No, that's not AI. This is Japan's new train. It says it's 310 miles an hour. Bro. [1:22:58] Watch this again. I don't... Watch this again. This is so crazy. [1:23:05] Oh. [1:23:05] Yeah, that didn't look [1:23:08] That looks faster than the 180, but that – so that's probably saving how much time, do you think? If you're going – so L.A. to San Fran is like – Time is money, motherfucker. Time is money. They're so ahead of things. If you want to keep everybody safe, let's go 35 miles an hour. And then you know what you have to worry about?

[1:23:23] Train robbers. They hop on board because it's so slow that you grab it. [1:23:27] Oh, wow. Is that what the speed increase is for? Like when they're going uphill? People still... That's when the train robbers would jump on board. Oh, yeah. They'd wait. They'd wait until you're about to go uphill. What a cool life, dude. In my next life, I'm going to be a train robber. Bro, don't do that. I don't know what a train robber is. Tokyo to Osaka in under an hour. Whoa, how far is that? [1:23:44] I'll have to look that up. Don't give me kilometers. It's all in kilometers. Don't you do it. You dare give me kilometers. Why didn't they teach us that in school? [1:23:50] Kilometers? Yeah, they could have. We could all be using that. We could have abandoned this nonsense that makes us confused as to how the rest of the world measures things. 375? Whoa! Jesus Christ. [1:24:02] 375 miles an hour is crazy. So it's... They've been fucking with this for a while, and we just aren't doing it because... They blew the money! Oh. But that was the only operation potentially to get it going? Some discussions have been talked about to get it going before either of the... Which won't happen. The World Cup or the Olympics... [1:24:24] in 2026. All we need is an additional 4 billion and we should be on schedule. They're like privatizing. Of course we are. Wow. I love America. [1:24:35] It's just so filled with crazy bullshit. It's so goddamn goof. It's a lot of fun stuff to talk about right now, right? Do you find as a comic the crazier shit is the more fun it is on stage or no? For sure. This is faster than either flying between the two cities or taking the one and a half hour trip to the current Taikaido line available with the Japanese rail pass.

[1:25:05] Kofu, Lida, and... [1:25:09] Nakasugawa. Sorry. We'll go with that. Originally planned, only extend as far as Shingawa Station, the creation of the short underground route to central Tokyo. So how fast is it? I mean, how far is it going? [1:25:27] Okay. 177 miles. 80% of the 177 miles will be located underground. Oh, Jesus Christ. $55 billion. Scary. Oh, Jesus Christ. 55. Can you imagine going 375 miles an hour underground? That's 1,000 people at a time, though. Oh, boy. That's like 10 planes. You're making me nauseous. Yeah, even the New York subway sometimes goes too fast. You see that video of the woman falling asleep? God bless her, dude. [1:25:51] I think it was in San Francisco, right? [1:25:53] What? A woman fell asleep at the wheel in the subway. Nobody died, but she definitely... [1:25:59] went off the track for a minute and everybody fell over. Oh shit. Yeah. And then she, and [1:26:07] Chill out. We're fine. But like she very – I mean maybe she didn't remember that she's on camera. So like they got her just passing out. I mean I'm surprised that doesn't happen more honestly. Those are crazy hours they're working. I didn't know there was a person running that still. Why don't they use AI? Psych. We got you. You're on my new hidden camera show. We got you there. We got you there. That's how it works. No, there is a – yeah. Yeah. [1:26:27] AI for the subway? That's how AI takes over everything. You have these kind of conversations. [1:26:32] Why don't they just use AI for that? And AI's like, you're right. You should use us. We could make it so efficient.

[1:26:38] That it's 99.9% safe as opposed to the current level of 98% safe. [1:26:45] That was really good. [1:26:47] We could approximately save five million lives over the course of the next 20 years. Is that what AI... This lady just fell asleep? Yeah. Yeah. [1:26:56] Oh, so she's on like a real... Yeah, it's like outside in San Francisco. Oh. It's going 50 miles an hour. It is surprising that with the Waymo's... She just fell asleep? Yeah. [1:27:06] Oh, my God. Just derailed. Didn't crash. Oh, my God. That's so nuts. [1:27:10] I just thought it was funny that she was like, chill out. We're fine. [1:27:16] 8:00 in the morning, maybe? [1:27:17] Wow. Boom. Look at that. Can you imagine? [1:27:21] Whoa. That's nuts. People went down. [1:27:26] That is nuts. [1:27:28] Hands in her pockets. [1:27:30] Thank you. [1:27:31] Yeah, you've got to be 10-2, I think. She's got great lashes, though. Yeah. [1:27:36] Great eyelashes. Yeah, man, that's crazy. They should have a computer running that thing. [1:27:42] Have you done the Waymo yet? No. Yeah. Okay, thank you. Are we aligned on this? I'm going to be a traitor to the human race. That's your logic. This is the first shot across the bow in the robot war. Yeah. Except the fact that robots are going to drive you everywhere. I don't want that. Meanwhile, I drove my Tesla here today. It's fine. [1:27:57] It's basically the same thing. It's pretending I'm in control. Is it awesome? You're doing a great job steering Joe. Is it awesome? Oh, it's incredible. It drives itself. Fuck. If I wanted to. I don't ever do it, but if I wanted to, I could put an address and go boop boop and it just goes there. Stops at every stop sign, stops at every stop light, changes lanes when there's an obstruction. So you don't have the...

[1:28:17] trust built enough to like allow it to take you i like to drive yeah me too i want to drive yeah it's fun i like driving and i like being aware of stuff and paying attention i don't want to just drift off and just like let the computer do the work but that's coming [1:28:31] It's coming. Are you a road trip guy? [1:28:33] Yeah. No. I don't have time for road trips. You don't. Yeah, fine. But I'm sorry I asked you that question. Are you a road trip guy? As soon as it came out of my mouth. I couldn't see you in a Winnebago. Winnebago with the kids in the back. [1:28:42] Travel across the country. That's me, yeah. [1:28:45] Yeah, I mean, the amount of gigs early on that I – the amount of times I went from LA to San Diego or LA to Santa Barbara, LA to San Fran or SAC for eight, ten minutes. I remember Tripoli had some room and Santa Barbara I would drive eight minutes, then come back, then host the Fear Factor live show at Universal the next morning at 9 a.m. just for – and I'd drive Sam out there or whoever it was just to get time. [1:29:07] But I always liked it. Wow. But as far as like a cross-country road trip, I don't know. That's not a road trip, though. That's just road work. [1:29:15] Yeah, but five, six hours. [1:29:16] It felt like a road trip. Well, it's a lot of driving. That's for damn sure. Oh, okay. I guess, but road trip, a classic road trip. Yeah, like not even for work, just like a road trip. Just go on a trip, see the country. [1:29:29] Pull into places Yeah I'd like to do it I mean Do you take time off?

[1:29:35] I will next week For real? Yeah I'll just go home to Seattle You're not convincing I know Well just because I have I mean it's like We have the last field show Coming up I'm on the road With club dates For the rest of the year And then I start my theater tour First theater tour [1:29:50] January through April of next year. So that's on sale right now. Adam Ray commie.com. Um, um, [1:29:55] But I don't know, so many shows and then Last Phil and then writing a bunch. I don't know. To me, there's not enough time of the day. But going home to Seattle for Thanksgiving will be the shutdown because I remember my nieces and nephews. I want to have, you know. [1:30:10] a lot of time to kick with my mom. Did you start stand-up up there? [1:30:13] I did one open mic before I moved to LA just to feel like I did it. And then when I went to SC, 01 to 05, started in 07 is when I like. [1:30:22] Jumped in. I did a few frat parties during college. [1:30:26] Only going off the confidence that I did it once in Seattle. For whatever reason, you know, you need the delusion to start. [1:30:32] even trying to do stand-up. So for whatever reason, I was able to ride [1:30:37] the experience of once in Seattle and go up at a frat party and just bomb. I mean, I got to find that footage. I got a few laughs when I made fun of bike cops. [1:30:49] And then I did a little crowd work because the girls started booing. It was before a band, and the band was an hour late. And then I had the balls to do all 30 minutes that I practiced. I should have done five and gotten off. [1:31:00] Because the band was ready, but I was like, I practiced 30. I'm doing 30. [1:31:04] Can you imagine? And then this girl started yelling shit out, and I yelled shit back and got some laughs, and that's all I remember about it. My buddies, I remember, just got off, and they were like, man, that was...

[1:31:15] How long were you up there? Never a good sign. Nothing about what you did. [1:31:20] But really started in 07. [1:31:22] at the store and everywhere. You do need that delusion in the beginning. Yeah. [1:31:27] A thousand percent. Yeah. You need to be slightly delusional because the dream is so ridiculous. It's so – there can't be any part of you that's like, do people really want to hear what I have to say? Or am I really funny? I mean, it's just like – [1:31:41] And I had done plays, so I felt comfy on stage. But that's what's so funny when there's a kid that I'm not mentoring, but just giving advice to every time he asks. And he's unfortunately looking for... [1:31:54] I think with just clips and everything now, he's just like – he's looking for shortcuts. And I'm like – I don't want to tell him not to do it, but I'm like, man, you're just like – you're not – [1:32:04] Focused on kind of what I was telling you which is control you can control which is getting on stage all the time writing all the time Living a life worth writing about is what I tell this kid a lot because I'm like if you find yourself He's a little too isolated and I'm like you need to get your job back So you're just accumulating life experience having things to do [1:32:20] to pull from, but, uh... [1:32:22] Yeah. [1:32:23] I can't imagine starting now. [1:32:26] Well – [1:32:27] It's got to be... [1:32:28] Because you're so focused on, like, I've got to get that clip. Uh-huh. Now, it's a different sort of environment, right? The clip environment. Like, that's how guys are promoting their work now. It's a blessing and a curse. It's definitely a blessing. A thousand percent. The only curse would be, because it doesn't preclude you from still doing a lot of open mics. It doesn't preclude you from working and opening for people. But it can give you, like, an undue amount of success.

[1:32:58] crowd work video, and then a bunch of people come out to see you, but you really only have 10 minutes. [1:33:02] Yeah. You know, which happens to some folks. Yeah. [1:33:05] Because it's tricky, and you don't necessarily want people watching you the first year or the first two years. Fuck no. Or even maybe in the first three. Oh, my mom came out to see me too soon. It was bad. I did a joke. Let me see if I can remember it. I said something about I was raised... [1:33:20] Oh, so stupid. Just a classic misdirect. I go like, I was raised by a single mom. I grew up with just my mom and my sister. [1:33:26] So, I [1:33:27] So I was like sensitive and blah, blah, blah and making a joke about maybe being gay because I was raised by two women. So I go. So my mom taught me to like be kind and nice and take a guy out to dinner before you lick his asshole and like would get about this response. And then I would go, just kidding. I wouldn't take him to dinner. [1:33:45] Bro, that was maybe my third time on stage. And my mom came to that show. It's my sweet mom, little Jew from Oklahoma. I remember after the show, she just goes, did you have fun? [1:33:56] But the delusion to think like, I don't care if mom's here, I'm doing the joke I wrote. I mean, if you can call that a joke, but... [1:34:03] well yeah well it's also a part of being young too and you're young you just especially dudes we're just stupid [1:34:10] We are. Yeah. And you'd think you could do anything, dumbass. Yeah. But eventually you can. You know? That's the thing. It's like you're going to have to suck at the beginning. With everything you do, you know, if you picked up ping pong tomorrow, you're going to fucking suck. I thought about that. Ping pong? I thought about trying to. I love ping pong. Do you? Oh, I love it. Really? Oh, I fucking love it, dude. It's so, it's probably how, I don't know how pool is for you, but like it's relaxing even though I know it's a little.

[1:34:40] with whoever I'm playing with, it's a real mindless almost. [1:34:44] Because I don't play video games really anymore. What happened? Why'd you stop? [1:34:50] Moved out of my apartment, left the table there. [1:34:53] I have space now. I have a house. I should fucking definitely... [1:34:56] Buy one. I will suck you back into that dark hole. That dark pong hole. That dark hole of video games. Um... [1:35:04] Video games are too good right now. Oh, I did. Give me – no thanks, dude. They're too good. I played Halo over last holidays with my brother, and I was really high. He was not. [1:35:15] I started to like, I just had panic attacks. It was too real. My heart was palpitating. I was just like, he, and he, he got in my head. He was like, dude, I can't believe you let our guy die. This episode is brought to you by Dodge. The new Dodge Charger scat pack is built for people who still believe driving should be exciting. You want to talk about performance? Let's start with a twin turbo six pack gas engine, all gas, no mercy, 550 horsepower, [1:35:45] 3.9 seconds, and a top speed of 177 miles an hour. Woo! Unlike vehicles that make you choose between traction and attitude, the Dodge Charger Scat Pack comes with standard all-wheel drive and a selectable rear-wheel drive mode so you can get confident handling when you want it and the freedom to still be able to do burnouts.

[1:36:15] scat pack it's loud it's fast it's powerful and unapologetically dodge learn more at dodge.com dodge is a registered trademark of fca us llc this episode is brought to you by manscaped wondering what to get your dad on father's day [1:36:36] The Beard and Dome Bundle from Manscaped is a really solid option. I've been using their Dome Shaver for a while now, and the thing I like about it is how easy it makes everything. You don't have to think about it. It just glides over your head, gets everything clean, no weird patches, no going over the same spot ten times. Honestly, it's so much better than anything. [1:36:56] any of the other brands I've tried. And then there's the Beard Hedger. It's got this zoom wheel with 20 different length settings that's built right in. So if you want to get your dad something he'll actually use, the Beard and Dome bundle for Manscaped is an easy pick. Get 15% off plus free shipping with the code ROGAN15 at manscaped.com. That's 15% off plus free shipping with code ROGAN15 at manscaped.com. And I was like, he's got a family. [1:37:26] I was like, God, it was too much. Yeah, maybe it's not for you. No. Jamie, what was that? Did I send you that thing with those goggles that you could use on Steam? Yeah. Dude, your brain is awesome. I have to say, new headset that you're making. I'm so glad we're going back to this. Because when you brought up the goggles earlier, I was like, fuck, we got off that. But I'm really curious about that. So thanks for getting us back there. This Steam goggles is some new thing that I saw that there's like a component that goes on the outside.

[1:37:56] computer or it works as a standalone computer. [1:37:59] And it's showing you, like, AR, all the video games that are on Steam. Mm-hmm. [1:38:05] It seems fucking nuts, right? Yeah, that's... [1:38:08] kind of available now though already. Right, but there's a new one that's supposed to be even better. That's the one that I sent you. I sent you that video, right? Yeah, but I'm just saying like this, it's not, I don't want to shit on it too bad, but it's not. Do it. Please do. It's not. Because I want it. Yeah, it's not unfortunately, like you can do this now. [1:38:22] Okay, but my point is this is supposed to be really good, the new one, and you could play games. [1:38:30] Like, what games are on Steam? [1:38:31] Does Steam have Quake? [1:38:34] So that's a misunderstanding. I think you're misunderstanding that a little bit. [1:38:37] You can't play any game that's on Steam? That's not what that meant, I guess. So VR games are available through Steam. [1:38:43] And you generally have to connect a wire or something. I remember that giant setup we used to have back in the day? We were playing one of those games all through Steam. Okay. And we had it set up through a wire? Yeah. And so like on an Oculus headset, which is what this is sort of comparing itself to, you have to download those games directly to that or have it connected to your phone. Right. And without an extra wire or another device... [1:39:05] You couldn't easily play Steam games before recently, but you kind of can now. [1:39:09] And so they've updated the device to be like, okay, we'll do that too, though. We'll just put all that tech in a... [1:39:14] This is my question, the obvious one. How long before you can play VR Quake? They'd have to develop that, and I don't think that they want to. On a multidirectional treadmill. It's VR Quake. It's too fast. You'd get sick. You would throw up. You'd get sick. Yeah, you'd get sick. We're fine. You'd get sick, bitch. There's no good movement. I'd be fine. There's no good movement. I'd feel great. I'm just saying. I'd do it fasted. Yeah. I could put the roller coaster thing on for you right now.

[1:39:44] I'll just get real crazy. No, it's a hard pass. It's not good. No, I'm sure. I'm kidding. But I want to try. I just feel like if they really did VR Quake and you're on one of those – you ever see those – they strap you in at the waist, these treadmills? No. And it's like a circle and you can run in any direction? No. [1:40:02] No. Yeah, it's like a contained circle. Cool. What are they called? Multidirectional treadmills? Is that what they're called? Omni. Omnidirectional treadmills. So it's kind of like you're attached with cables, and you just run on this treadmill, and you're running and shooting at things, and you're probably getting some legitimate exercise. 1,000% you are. Especially if you're doing some game where you've got to run from zombies. You're fucking gunning them down, and you're running and gunning down zombies. It's probably amazing. [1:40:32] version of that which doesn't have to be on a treadmill like you're you're not attached to anything [1:40:37] This guy's just standing still and walking. Whoa. But this, again, like... [1:40:41] But wait a minute, are they like beads? How is that working? I call it Dr. Disney. [1:40:47] Okay. But that doesn't seem like you can go fast. Well, you can't really go fast in this either. You can't go fast. I'm sure. No one has. Your mom. If everyone really liked it and it was that good, me and Red Band would have three versions of it. I was going to say Red Band is all over this, right? Yeah. And it's not that good. It's not that good. [1:41:06] Well, what's it look like now? [1:41:07] Let me see what you got. [1:41:09] Let me see a dude doing it. Total game changer. [1:41:13] Look at that guy's sandals and tell me if you want to be him.

[1:41:17] Wait, here's his David O. verified buyer. Let me read this. That dude's got sandals with socks on. I love my Omni 1. It has been a total game changer. Game changer. In just four months of thrilling action-packed gaming, it has shattered my weight loss plateau and dropped an incredible 40 additional pounds. All while having an absolute blast. See, that's what I was thinking. It'd be legitimate exercise. Yeah. Are those? Oh, that's his sneakers. They're strapped in. I thought he was wearing socks with sandals. I was like, that is the wackiest shit I've ever seen. That seems kind of fun. That's how you have to do it, though. Most people don't want to be active while they're playing video games. [1:41:47] Yeah, but we're not talking about most people, Jamie. We're talking about a couple of athletes. We're talking about me wanting that thing in my life. [1:41:54] So when he's running on that thing, what does it look like? [1:41:57] Can we show me a video of someone using one? I'd be down to go to the prehistoric era and chase, fight, kill, whatever it is, dinosaurs, but be moving and shaking, right? Yeah. Versus just being stationary. Yeah, I want to run from stuff. I want bats chasing me. It's virtual reality. It should be as real as possible. It's supposed to be scary. It's supposed to be scary. [1:42:15] And also you get a workout in. Ooh, that looks actually kind of cool. Look how he's leaning so far forward there to do that. Like that's... [1:42:23] not [1:42:24] Hmm. Comfortable. But is he doing that on purpose? I... [1:42:27] Probably not. I was probably trying to make it work. [1:42:28] Oh, bro, this looks awesome. [1:42:30] You are not... [1:42:32] dissuading me. [1:42:33] This looks amazing. This does look awesome. This could be the only... Oh, my God. The problem, too, this could be the only game that works on it. I want to shoot those things. You've got to get Martin Phillips in this. Whatever the things are happening in that game. [1:42:45] This is kind of my point with all of you. I've tried to tell you before.

[1:42:48] If someone made a really good game by now, 10 years into this... [1:42:52] Everybody would know about it. We would have talked about it a bunch. Yeah. Okay. And there's just not. What games can you play with this setup? I've never – I don't know. I don't know anybody that's ever used it. Well, let's find out. He's got to put it on the outside of his shoes. [1:43:05] What are those? He's got something on the outside of his neck. Right. It's like a strapped-on thing, just like the other one was. It's so funny to see how far we've come. Remember the Nintendo trackpad? I mean, dude, we are just leaps and bounds. [1:43:16] Past that. I think those things must have some sort of a sensor that lets you know where the foot is at [1:43:22] any given time. [1:43:24] That makes sense, right? So the game would know – that would be the way the game would detect whether or not you're moving forward. [1:43:31] This seems so awesome. Well, with all the stuff they do with the motion capture for the sports games, it's pretty incredible. But if you could play games like Quake... [1:43:40] where you could actually be holding up a plastic rifle. [1:43:44] And you're running down these hallways, shooting down monsters and shit. Yeah. [1:43:49] Well, think about playing if you were playing like a Madden and you could like feel the impact of taking a hit or running. I did that was not as in the middle of this, you know, those gel blaster things. [1:44:00] What's that? It's like Tony gives away a Kill Tony. A little BB gun? Yeah, it's like a little BB gun. What is it? A jail blaster? A jail blaster. It's a little jail BBs, I guess. Okay. They've hooked it up and made it computerized, and you have sensors on, like, laser tag. It's in the middle of laser tag. That's fun. They put up giant things for you to run around. Cool. And it's scoring the whole time. Cool. There's little voices talking to you. It's saying, like, good job. You did it. Like, watch your health. Get back. Hide. Reload. Birthday party idea, Joe. Have you ever done paintball? That was really fun. Yes. I did paintball.

[1:44:30] that had like, it was like a warehouse that had all black lights. Cool. And you had neon paintballs. Oh, my God. And you had wars like with other teams. It was so much fun, man. It's the best. I've only done it outdoors. Oh, yeah. They fucking light you up. It's real pain. Yeah. When they hit you, you're like, oh, shit, that hurts. Oh, yeah. It actually hurts. I got one in the lower back. Yeah, it's fun. It is fun. It's very exciting. They still do it, right? Yeah, where would they? Oh, fuck yeah, they do it. People get super serious. They have like really sophisticated paintball guns now. [1:45:00] where they can shoot multiple rounds, like semi-automatic paintball guns. Oh, my God. Like a big giant bottle at the bottom filled with paintballs. [1:45:07] Yeah, it's crazy. My buddy did one for a work like team bonding thing. He's like, it did not end well. Like people were fucking just it was almost like a work conference where people got fucked up and maybe cheated. It was just like a version of just people taken out. Just people, you know, just cheap shots and also people getting hit and going after people they didn't like. [1:45:29] But, you know. Oh, no. Yeah. So backfired. Oh, no. People getting their aggressions out and their employees and shooting them. Fuck you, Joyce. Sally! Sally, you shot her in the face. Oh, my God. She's on your team. Well, I made it better. That fucking bitch is never on my team. [1:45:47] Pulling hair. Oh, my God. High heels in the air. That's so funny. [1:45:53] Oh, my God. She's never on my team. Fuck that bitch. Yeah. [1:45:59] Imagine having to work with someone you hate. Imagine like eight hours every day with someone you fucking hate doing something you hate with someone you hate. Some shitty fucking person you share a cubicle with.

[1:46:10] No, man, no. Right next to you. Dreading it. [1:46:12] Yeah, right next to you, talking shit. [1:46:16] That fucking bitch. And there's no way to spin it, yeah. Nah, you're stuck. And then you've got to behave with the office culture. I bagged groceries at Albertsons for a little bit, and there were some people there that sucked, but I didn't see them every day. Yeah, you're moving around. Moving around, yeah. You're doing stuff. Oh, but if you're locked in a cube. Oof. Ugh. What a bummer. That's a fucking horrible way to live your life. Thank God we were delusional. Thank God. Right? We need more delusional people out there. That's why I'm a big supporter of Adderall. [1:46:42] Like, more people should be... All right, Quigle sponsor. Just kidding. I did it once. Did you? I did it once, and I went out to... I was doing... It was a year after I graduated, and my buddy was like, come out to the West Hollywood Halloween party with me. He's like, it's supposed to be crazy, like 200,000 people. I don't know if you ever in LA saw that. It was like up and down Santa Monica Boulevard, just the... [1:47:05] ultimate chaos, right, in the gay part of LA. And so... [1:47:09] I was like, oh, I'm going to do some content then. So I got my buddy with a camera to interview people because the costumes. Jeff Scott from the store used to go down there all the time. He would build elaborate costumes. People would spend – I mean I talked to a guy who said he spent 80 grand on a full Batman suit. [1:47:25] I'm not joking. And there was a guy, Adam and Eve. They were just buck naked with a couple things. I'm just talking to everybody. I think I may have taken off my YouTube. But – [1:47:35] I was so tired and my buddy was like, you want an Adderall? And I've never done it. And Joe, I felt, I have never done it since I was 2006. I felt unbelievable, dude. That's what scares me.

[1:47:45] I felt unbelievable, and I was locked in, dude. You were selling me something right there. You were ready to sell some real estate. I've never snapped at anybody. It was a bit. I was a character. [1:47:56] Yeah, it's weird, right? Yeah. I was so focused, but I didn't feel like my heart was racing too fast. It sounds incredible. Yeah, it was. That's the problem. It sounds incredible. [1:48:04] It's like when Hunter Biden describes crack. That sounds incredible. The only reason I didn't do it is because it sounded too good. [1:48:11] You know, under my administration, we had the first Black Mermaid. [1:48:15] Thank you. [1:48:16] Who's that? [1:48:17] Biden, who's the Black Mermaid? [1:48:20] The Little Mermaid that was black. Oh, that's right. I forgot. Yeah. I missed that. I missed that outrage. It's okay. Yeah. I missed that. [1:48:27] Great name for a title of a special. Outrage? I missed that outrage. Oh, yeah. Maybe it's a little long. No, it's not bad. [1:48:33] Missed that outrage. You jamming on another one? I am putting together material now, you know, the weird process of subtraction, deletion, addition, expansion. It's like fucking around. [1:48:49] I'm doing it at my own pace. Yeah. So I'm not thinking about... That's what you should. I'm just thinking about... [1:48:54] Having fun and doing things that I find interesting like, you know, it's like I [1:49:01] You don't need to – I mean, putting a – [1:49:04] What's that? Go ahead. No, I was going to say having a club and having to not go on the road is huge. Yeah. And it gives you a chance to like – I think sometimes when – I don't know. A lot of people have this issue. Like you do a special and then you're supposed to go on tour like four or five months later and you don't really have enough material yet. So you start putting together stuff that you think will work rather than stuff that you really like.

[1:49:25] Whoa. You know? Yep. [1:49:27] So that's where my head's at. Yeah. Yeah. [1:49:30] Talk about stuff you really like. And sometimes it's hard. Like the subjects that I'm really interested in right now, some of them are just not that funny. They're just too weird. It's hard to figure out a way to make some of these ideas. [1:49:44] into comedy. When you're giving yourself ample time to marinate and play around if you don't have like a, I'm going to shoot something in. [1:49:51] I mean, I don't know. Goals are good, too. Totally. Because they force you to work. They force you to have a sense of urgency. I think at a certain point in time, a goal is good, too. But I also think there's a meandering period that's important. Got to explore. Yeah. Yeah. [1:50:08] Otherwise, you're going to get stuck. [1:50:11] I'm doing my first weekend at the mothership in February. I'm fired up. Oh, shit. Yeah, I'm fired up. Very exciting. I mean, just being there last night, Shane brought me up. Man, he murdered. I was so fucking so funny. Were you guys on the late show? Yeah. Yeah, nice. And I went over to see Queens of the Stone Age. [1:50:25] they were doing this ACL live. Yeah. They're here tonight too. Yeah. Tony's going tonight. They were so good, dude. They're great. I met Josh, the first Dr. Phil live show we did, Bird did at the store, and he brought Josh and he was just like, yeah, Bird told me he was doing the Dr. Phil show and I was like, what the fuck is that? And we just became homies and so he came invited me over there and it was, I didn't see that ACL live studio before. It's awesome. It's like a TV studio but it's three levels and it was like

[1:50:56] Jamie, have you been there? Yeah. That's where that one Kill Tony was. I thought you were saying studio. I was confused. Well, it's like a real – I mean – Downtown, ACLI. Yeah, I've done it. Okay. Oh, wow. Yeah, I've done that. [1:51:07] It was awesome, but they ripped it. [1:51:10] I feel like them, Foo Fighters, like there's a handful of bands that you're just like, oh, you guys are rock stars, dude. And Josh sounds so fucking good vocally. And the band is so dialed in. I mean, there's, I think, six of them in the group. And it was awesome, man. Yeah, he's a nice guy. I had him on a podcast once back in the day. Nice. Back in the L.A. days. [1:51:29] Yeah. [1:51:29] Yeah. We got a Queens of the Stone Age poster up in the green room. [1:51:33] Tony showed it to him. He's like, oh, that's fucking great. Yeah, Adam gave it to me. I was like, oh, this is such a cool photo and belongs to him. Here, my friend Josh gave me this poster. I don't even want to have it. [1:51:45] Norm liked them, too. I don't know. [1:51:48] I was going to see it, man. That's pretty close. It's all right. It's all right. It's pretty close. You want to know when I first met Adam Egan? [1:51:57] I love this guy. I don't think I've ever told you this story. The Tempe Improv. He was booking the Tempe Improv. That's when I met him. [1:52:03] He, it's 2010, so I'm three years into doing stand-up. He comes to Hollywood Improv. He's trying to just scout, like, you know, young comics to come out and feature at the Improv. They gave him jurisdiction to start bringing people out to, like, feature and just, you know, we'll fly you out, put you up. And so I meet him at the Improv, and he's like, man, I think you should come out and do, you know, Jim Florentine? Maybe you can feature for Jim Florentine. [1:52:26] I ended up breaking my ankle playing an outdoor basketball game with Sam Tripoli, shattered my ankle and couldn't go. And then Matt Bronger was going to be there in December. And he's like, no, you can do the Bronger weekend, but it's also the holiday show, so you've got to be clean. And I was like, fine, I'll just take out the F-bombs. I was not filthy aside from that. I did have one joke.

[1:52:44] That was this like PSA joke about how like, you know, it's all these celebrities talking about things that you can't really relate to. You need like a guy. It was always like, you know, you know, Johnny Depp being like, you know, you need to read more to your kids, you know, blah, blah, blah. And then it would be I was like, why isn't there a guy that's just like, what's up? My name is Cameron. Life gets tough, you know. So make sure to tell your doctor, please refill on your Vicodin order. [1:53:14] by that 20-inch physio flat screen that your slutty-ass girlfriend said was going to take up too much space in the apartment. Well, good thing she showed you her bipolar side because now you're free from her bullshit annex. Fuck you, Beth, you dumb cunt. And I have like a PSA at the end of it. I did that at the show. [1:53:28] And I said, cut. And I got fired from the weekend. And Adam comes up to me and he goes, man, you put me in a tough position, man. I got to fire you. And I was like, what? And he goes, I told you to be clean. I go, I know. I totally fucked up. I rolled the dice. They had me go up and do 10 and then 5 and then 10 again. And I was... [1:53:47] And it was great. But the owner at the time, I think he's passed, was super conservative Christian. And even though all the holiday parties were coming up to me and being like, [1:53:57] "Dude, Super 40, that was great." Adam's like, "Dude, we have to like, [1:54:02] The manager at the time, this guy named Eddie, was like, we got to get this guy out of here. Because if there are complaints, then we got rid of the problem. And meanwhile, I'm looking up and I'm seeing Bronger kind of cursing and whatever. And the manager was like, well, he's the headliner. And I was like, oh, I think I'm being used as a scapegoat. But I get it because I did tell Adam I'd be clean. And I fucked up. Adam, though, then comes over with me. He felt bad that I felt bad that I fucked up. And we go to the bar next door. We rip it up. We chat. And we stayed in touch. And he didn't hold it against me.

[1:54:32] Tuesday. [1:54:34] Yeah, he's a good dude. You know, you're not supposed to say cunt when you're on a clean show. [1:54:40] Part of the thing. Yeah, fucked up. Yeah. And I was up until that point. It was the last joke I did and I just rolled the dice and I started doing it and I wasn't savvy enough to like, I was like, this is how it ends. Have you always been able to like do impressions like this? What is that? [1:54:53] I don't know. Because you do a lot of impressions. Pretty good year, yeah. Yeah. [1:54:57] Where'd that come from? When did you start doing that? [1:55:01] Impersonating... [1:55:02] teachers and friends as a kid, I think. I was a real big kid and there was a girl that every, the first impression I remember doing was this girl named Annie and she was like the young hot girl in school and everybody had a crush on her. And my, I had bigger tits than her. I was a real big kid and she had a real big crush on my buddy. So I remember I prank called my buddy as her. [1:55:20] with a couple other friends, like pretending to be her calling him. [1:55:23] and [1:55:25] And he believes it. And we had like a [redacted address]. Fourth grade. Yeah. Let me hear what it sounds like. Well, I can act. I can remember. I can tap into how I would do it because it was like in the back of my throat. It was like really like, hey, Evan, what's going on? Obviously, my voice is way deeper now. [1:55:39] That would be a problem. I'd be like, who the fuck is this? And how big is your dick? This is crazy. I'll send you a link. [1:55:47] So then I would start doing, what size shoe do you wear, Evelyn? [1:55:53] Evelyn, you're killing the comedy names for these bits. [1:55:56] So teachers, friends, and then I did – [1:56:01] I went to my friend's like water sports camp that was like all, it was a Christian water sports camp.

[1:56:07] But I was buddies with them, so like, yeah, you can come and just skip the Jesus talk, I guess. Even though the guy tried to convert me. He was like, I know you're a Jew, but... [1:56:15] You're the only Jew here. [1:56:16] I was like, yeah, this doesn't feel like a conversation we need to have about that. He was trying to convert you? Yeah. How did he do it? I can't totally remember, but it was something about the core. Did it involve sucking your dick? It did a little bit. Sound like it. Yeah, yeah. Letting Jesus into my heart. He's like, and Jesus would love to see if you could fit around this. [1:56:32] But I remember for the talent show, I did a bunch of impressions. I did a Clinton and a Cosby from that age. And then I did a Master Splinter from Ninja Turtles and Mike Tyson. I just... [1:56:46] I don't know. I think I always have a pretty good ear. But I want to go back to how this guy tried to convert you. Oh, shit. [1:56:54] He had a Bible he wouldn't he just said I got out of it pretty quick as I was like I'm here for the jet skiing and the camaraderie and he was like, I think you're really missing out on [1:57:02] on letting Christ into your heart. He's like, and he kept asking me like, [1:57:06] Is life going great for you? I'm like, I don't know. My mom's holding out four or five jobs like I can afford. You know, she didn't buy me Jordans, but I got the I got the Patrick Ewing's. You know, we're doing OK. [1:57:17] And he just kept trying to be like – [1:57:20] You could be doing better than you are now, and Jesus will fix that. It was kind of the moral story. Wow. Jesus is going to fix your whole life. He went hard in the paint. Yeah, whole life. He's like, do you know why your dad left? No. [1:57:29] Whoa. He did not. I swear to God, yeah. He brought up a little divorce. Because you didn't have Jesus in your heart? I don't know if he was going there. Or your dad didn't have Jesus in his heart? That was probably insinuating. If you found Jesus, how does the dad get back into your life? Great question. Doesn't. He doesn't. This is terrible logic. Yeah.

[1:57:45] Yeah, he went hard in the paint. Wow. He was a young guy, too. [1:57:49] Those are always sus. Yeah. Those young, hard in the paint guys are very sus. Yeah, he was trying to, I think he was almost like he's a young door-to-door salesman. He was like, if I can convert the Jew on this camp. This episode is brought to you by Chime. Chime is bringing something fresh to banking. J.D. Power just ranked them the number one choice for new bank accounts in America. And that's not a small thing. That means real people, millions of them, are choosing this over traditional banks. That's because banking at Chime is fee-free. [1:58:18] No monthly fees, no overdraft fees, and thousands of free ATMs. But here's the real kicker. If you get their Chime card, it gives you 5% cash back on a category that you actually pick yourself. [1:58:32] Your savings rate, nine times the national average. That's crazy high. Go to chime.com slash Rogan. Takes a few minutes to sign up. Chime is a fintech, not a bank. Banking services and Chime card provided by Chime's bank partners. Terms and limits apply. Go to chime.com slash disclosures for more details. [1:58:57] This episode is brought to you by SimpliSafe. One thing you probably don't think about when you're planning the perfect summer getaway is protecting your home. But if disaster strikes, you want to be prepared. Even better, if it can be stopped before it happens. So check out SimpliSafe. They're the smarter option when it comes to home security because their systems help prevent and stop crime in real time before it starts. There's also no long-term contracts and no technician appointments.

[1:59:27] custom system and set it up in one afternoon by yourself or even sooner. It's one of many reasons why millions of people continue to trust and use SimpliSafe. Everyone deserves to have peace of mind, which is why I'm happy to partner with SimpliSafe again and offer an exclusive discount. Right now, you can get 50% off your new system by visiting simplisafe.com slash rogan. That's half [1:59:57] Maybe I'll get my, I'll get Delta status. I'll be a gold medallion. [2:00:03] Yeah. Yeah, it's a weird one, right? But the... [2:00:07] But the voices, I just... I don't know. An ear for it, I guess. You know? Like being... But I don't even... [2:00:12] doing the character stuff and being able to actually transform helps a lot. Being able to see myself. You need to bring that guy into your act. [2:00:20] The guy who's trying to convert everybody. I really should, to be honest with you. Yeah, 100%. That's interesting. So Johnny Depp and the guy who's always trying to convert everyone to Jesus, and Jesus will fix everything that's wrong. Everything. Everything that's wrong. [2:00:32] I guess I didn't know enough about it to give him a... I don't know. I also was like, I don't know, man. I'm pretty reformed with Judaism anyway. Like, you know... [2:00:41] When I was in college, when I was at UMass, there was this girl that was in my class, this really hot Puerto Rican girl with glasses. She was so pretty. And she was really friendly. And she kept inviting me to these things. She invited me to this weekend retreat that her and her friends were going to. And I was like, whoa, this is crazy. This really hot girl is inviting me to go to this thing. I felt like I was kind of a loser. Why is she inviting me? This is crazy.

[2:01:08] But I couldn't go. I had an event. I forget what I had. I think I had a fight. I forget. I was still competing back then, I think. And so then, might not have been. I don't know what the fuck it was. It might have been a comedy show back then, actually. Now I think about it, it was probably early 90s. So when I was in class, we all found out that there was a plane crash. It was one of the Trump planes. Trump had an airline for a while. [2:01:34] I don't know if you remember this. No. Trombert? Yeah. And one of the planes, the landing gear didn't come out right. And the plane skid across the one way and the people lived and they were fine. [2:01:47] I'd heard about it and they were all sitting eating lunch. So I went into the lunchroom and I said, hey, did you guys hear about the plane crash? And they go, no. I go, yeah, this is crazy. I go, everybody lived. What happened was the plane skid to the runway and the landing gear didn't come off. So it's like just the bottom of the plane, but everybody lived. And then the hot Puerto Rican guard goes, oh, praise God, praise God. Then they all started saying, praise God, praise God. And I was like, [2:02:12] Oh. [2:02:15] You guys are trying to get me to go to a religious retreat. Oh, I'm like, oh, okay. So you're going to the bang bus. So then I started asking questions. So I'm like, so I [2:02:24] uh, [2:02:25] Are you guys like hardcore Christians? Like, what are you guys? And they're like, yes. You know, and we want to invite you to, you know, take Jesus into your life and to join us in this retreat. I was like, yeah, I'm not going to do that. But thank you. Now I know why you wanted me to go. I thought she liked me. Bummer. It was a bummer.

[2:02:44] Yeah, but it made more sense. I was like, okay, that makes sense. Yeah. They're trying to recruit. And that's how they do it. They get this hot girl to recruit people. Yeah, I mean, smart on their part. Smart. But I wonder what it was, really, because it seemed a little cultish. It seemed really odd. It wasn't just like, you know, there's a lot of Christians that I know that are great people. Sure. And if you told them about a plane crash, they'd be like, oh, thank God, thank God. But it would be like a normal way to say thank God. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. It was a weird, praise God, praise God. They were all saying praise God. And it was odd. [2:03:14] It wasn't as simple as, oh, thank God everybody's okay. Yeah. Oh, thank goodness. Yeah. Thank God. You know? Oh, I pray for those people. Okay, that's normal. Yeah. There's something about, praise God. All of them saying it. I was like, oh, no. [2:03:30] God damn it. And drink this, Joseph. It was like I was in a zombie movie where everybody's turning. I was like, oh. A woman came up to me after my show last weekend and goes, I heard you talk about being nervous flying on stage. And I ran to my car and I know you're a Jew, but I brought you a Bible. And I go, I think I'm all right. And she goes, well, wouldn't you... [2:03:50] Like to know where you're going when you die, if the plane goes down? I go, to be honest, no. I'm rocking out to my favorite Phil Collins song, hoping that the plane reroutes itself and we actually live. [2:04:01] If the plane is... [2:04:03] shaking in a certain way, I don't just go, all right, well, at least I'm going, I'm like, fuck, no, I hope we get out of this. But she was like, oh, well, you wouldn't just, and, and then she kept pushing it. And she was like, I really think Jesus. And she kept going off. And then I go with all due respect, like, I thought you just came in line to take a picture and say, hello. You know, I hope you had a good time with the show. She goes, I'm going to go try that guy. And,

[2:04:25] It's my opener. I go, he's more Jewy than I am, so best of luck. And she went over to him, and I just see him going. [2:04:31] Like, you know, I try to be nice and be like, you know, it's. [2:04:35] And I was very – I tried to be very sweet and be like, thanks but no thanks, but just so pushy, man. There's a lot of people that it gives them like a personal validation. Yeah, she didn't like that. You'll follow what they're doing. [2:04:49] And they also want to like – [2:04:51] guide you. They wanted to help you. She thought I was not control you. Yeah. [2:04:56] I got no problem if you're like, I want to shoot my shot and see if you're into this. But once I was like, no, thanks. But then there was a shift in her eyes of like, oof, you're this. Well, she really believes it. She's probably schizophrenic. She's probably got a mild touch. Just a touch of the skits. Touch of the skits. There's a lot of folks out there with a touch. I don't think schizophrenic is all full blown. There's a lot of people that are just oddly out of touch. We just got to go, I don't think you and I are experiencing the same game. [2:05:26] walk. You're trying to eat it. [2:05:28] You're on some weird level where you're not seeing things the way everybody else does. Yeah. Very weird. [2:05:34] But some people are like that, and they ruin the idea of religion for a lot of folks because it's like you associate religion with, like, kooks. [2:05:41] You know? Yeah. [2:05:44] I don't know. To need... Being a good person is a pretty easy formula, too. I have one friend that's just so... God bless him. He's just so... [2:05:52] hardcore conservative Christian, and I'm like, do you need all that to justify being a good person? Like, isn't it like, aren't there some golden rules you can follow of treating people the way you want to be treated? It's just too much, in my opinion, you know, but...

[2:06:06] So [2:06:07] Yeah. [2:06:08] Well, I think it's a good – [2:06:11] It's like a good scaffolding for morals and ethics. That's the best thing about religion. Yeah. If you follow people that are like devoutly religion, most religions, there's a few religions that preach some sort of pretty radical violence. [2:06:26] for the most part. [2:06:28] And what they're trying to get you to do is be a better person. [2:06:31] They're trying to get you to follow morals and ethics and don't lie and love your neighbor and be a kind person. Totally. But you can do that without it, can't you? You can, but it helps. Yeah. It really does. And there's something about going to a church where everybody has the same thought. You're all there for the same reason. Yeah. You're all there to give your... [2:06:50] your mind, like give your consciousness, like think about the concept of this higher power and think about what these lessons that are in the Bible really refer to and what they really mean and what actually really probably happened. And it's interesting because you meet like the nicest people that do that. They, so it does work. Yeah. That's the thing. It's like you could get hung up in the weeds about whether or not you believe, you know, Adam and Eve were the first real people like that. [2:07:18] That seems a little sus. You know, the whole Noah's Ark, like what? That seems a little sus. [2:07:24] I think – [2:07:25] Outside of that, what you're really dealing with is a bunch of stories where people are trying to accurately depict real events, but doing it after hundreds of years of just telling stories by the campfires. And a lot of it's distorted by translations. A lot of it's distorted over time. But I think they were trying to say something different.

[2:07:47] something very profound and I don't know what really happened but I think I [2:07:53] And what they're trying to do is give you some sort of a history of human beings on Earth. It's just a very weird one. [2:08:00] Because – [2:08:02] If you get into the Old Testament, like the Old Testament has some wild shit in it, man. [2:08:07] You get into like Ezekiel's story of seeing the wheel within a wheel in the sky and – [2:08:12] Like heads of animals and all these. Like, what the fuck did you see? Yeah, I got to finish Narcos first. I don't got time for that. [2:08:19] But... [2:08:20] People that follow Christianity, that actually do follow it and are like real Christians are some of the nicest people I've ever met in my life. So my point about that is like you can get hung up on the weeds on whether or not you think it's a stupid thing to do. But, man, it works. It makes for nicer people. Sure. [2:08:36] And so that's why. [2:08:37] I support it. [2:08:39] I support that idea of any religion that makes you not like even Mormons. [2:08:43] It's kind of ridiculous. There's a guy, Joseph Smith, who wrote it. He was 14. He seems to be a little bit of a con man. He said he found golden tablets that contained the lost work of Jesus. And when they said, well, where is it? They go, oh, the angels came and took it away because they didn't think he believed. Only he could read it because he had a magic rock. Like, okay. [2:09:02] That's crazy. Wow. You get your own planet when you die. What? Yeah. Okay. But Mormons are the nicest fucking people on earth. Totally. They're the nicest fucking friendliest, sweetest people. And now they have their own show, The Secret Wives of Mormon. Do they? I haven't watched it. It's like incredibly popular. Is it? Yeah. Is it any good? I tried to watch one episode. I think my wife's into it. It's definitely a... You think she's into it? It's a real housewives type show. Oh, yeah. But the girl from it, apparently, is now going to be the new bachelorette.

[2:09:32] how popular it got. I saw an ad the other day for the Golden Bachelor. They're letting old people fuck. Bro, it's, yeah. [2:09:40] Do the old people get after it? It's bro. It's the guy was like 77. No. The woman was like 74, but she looks 73. Whoa. And they get after it? It's like, yeah. It's like. Do they make out? [2:09:50] I mean, it's really, it's like they've got one last shot at love. Whoa, is that really what they're saying? Yeah. No. We'll see if when they wake up from their nap, if this match is really a true match. Oh, boy. [2:10:03] Yeah, and they've all lost somebody. I mean, I watched the first season. Oh. It was gripping. Oh. Oh. [2:10:10] Oh, there's something about being lonely and old. Well, they've all... You know, The Bachelor... [2:10:16] The Bachelor and Bachelorette are just like, you know, my name's Kimberly and I'm 29. I'm like, I'm just tired of fuckboys. And Golden Bachelor, she's like, my name's Teresa. [2:10:26] I'm 75. My husband died four years ago. And I don't know if I'll ever see... [2:10:32] Another penis. [2:10:33] But I hope I do. [2:10:34] I'm paraphrasing, but she's jumping back in. [2:10:37] And the guy was like... [2:10:39] Dude, Prince Charming. He looked like Vince McMahon fucked Pat Sajak. What was the one where they had... He turned out to be a creep, though, by the way. He told... [2:10:46] Let me say this real quick. This report just came out. One of the girls goes, who got picked, the golden bachelor picked her. And she goes, yeah, they split shortly after because he was just fucking a lot of people. This guy was 75. He was just cheating on her. She goes, yeah, he took me on a walk and said, if I ever kill you, this is where I'll chop you up and leave your body.

[2:11:04] That report came out like three or four days ago. Whoa. That's what the Golden Bachelor said. [2:11:09] Did they vet this fella? [2:11:11] There he is. That guy said that? Jerry, I think. And Teresa. Jesus. [2:11:16] He looks like a guy. [2:11:18] Who would chop you up? [2:11:19] Why say that, dude? It looks like a guy that would say it, at least. Oh, yeah. What was that show where they had these young guys, like these older ladies, like MILFs? MILF Island. Yes. Is that what it is? And then it turns out to be the sons of the other ladies on the show, and they start hooking up. Stop, dude. Yes. Stop. Yes. That's a real show. Oh, my God. I couldn't even bring myself to watch it. Why didn't you host that, dude? I don't want to. You should have hosted that, dude. I already hosted people eating animal dicks on TV. [2:11:49] A special place in hell for me. Brilliantly, by the way. Thank you. That was such a good show, man. Milf Manor. Milf Manor! So that's the story, right? Like, they brought in the sons of the other ladies? Let me see. [2:12:00] They put out a trailer and they were very vague about what the fuck was. Yeah, that's what it is. It's like these hot milfs and then they have 20-year-old sons and then the 20-year-old sons of the island are just banging your mom's friend. [2:12:14] Why isn't there just Anal Island at this point? I mean, we're so close. It's like some of these – That's a lot. Even love – that's a lot. Yeah, you're right. There's probably a porn you can get. I bet if you just Google Anal Island. Use your VPN because we're in Texas. You have to say you're in Maryland. Otherwise, you can't get online. [2:12:30] Yeah, there's a thing in Texas. You have to show government ID. In season two of Milf Manor, they've brought in the fathers to get in the mix. Oh, God, it's a fucking orgy. Disgusting, multi-generational orgy. Where are they now?

[2:12:49] I mean, there are only two seasons. It's pretty new. [2:12:52] How's it doing? Great question. Here's the thing. Who the fuck is watching TV anymore? The moms are really not much older than me, which is tough. Who would have ever thought that... [2:13:02] Yeah, yeah, that's great. How old are the moms? Almost all in their 40s. There's a couple in their 40s. Are they hot? Let me see some photos. See what we're dealing with. Yeah. Because, you know, you've got to pick. There's a lot to choose from out there. A lot of MILFs want to get on TV. A lot of MILFs want to be on MILF Manor. If you had a MILF show, you'd probably find quite a few candidates out there in the world. I think so. Yeah. Let's see. What do we got here, Jamie? It's on HBO. It's on HBO. Is there a host for the show? Wait, this is on HBO. [2:13:32] MILF Manor 2. Are you fucking kidding me? Is it really on HBO? Hot Single Moms to have a unique dating experience. Is it really in the HBO show? It's a TLC show. Oh, I see. Oh, okay. Why do I feel better about that? [2:13:49] HBO goes from Game of Thrones to this. Ooh, a lot of pretty ladies. [2:13:54] Okay, they look good Yeah, if there's some 20 year old dudes Yeah, sure, especially a black lady Very hot [2:14:02] Jeez. Okay. Oh, boy. Oh, my God. Yeah, we're banging it out, pops. Wait, so they're [2:14:09] Oh, so the guys are taking their shirts off and shit? Okay. Let's get sad. Yikes. Mommy man or two? This weird culture of everybody wanting attention. [2:14:18] So strange. Reality TV, yeah. I mean, it's...

[2:14:21] So 15 minutes of fame and then you can take that 15 minutes and turn it into a podcast or is that the most? Popular type of television these days is reality TV. Is that the most like what is popular these Joe? I think so did that in like true crime docs and then I'd say But like regular TV limited series. Yes, you know, I just watches the murder [2:14:45] You know, that's the whole story. The Murdaugh guy, Alex Murdaugh, killed his wife and son. No, the lawyer. What is that one? Oh, man. Have you heard of this, James? This happened probably, I think, in 2011. [2:14:58] powerful lawyer in the, I think the Midwest, and his son was driving drunk in a boat accident and with all his friends. And, uh, [2:15:08] and one of the girls flew off the boat and died. And so the dad shows up at the hospital, he's just super powerful dude, and was already like stealing money from his business. But he went into the thing and tried to curb the story to the other kids being like, "Who was driving the boat?" That type of shit. And then the story got real, just slippery and whatever, and everyone was like, "Oh." And then the kid got off because of the dad, and the families tried to sue, and it just didn't really happen 'cause the dad was so powerful. And then come to find out, [2:15:38] That the dad is stealing money from the business and then the mom and him are having a bad relationship and the kid is getting bullied and teased and then he ends up murdering his wife. [2:15:50] He ends up murdering his wife and youngest son because he's got a pill problem. He's going to go to jail for tax evasion and money laundering and stealing from his business and –

[2:16:04] Anyway, he's now serving life in prison. Holy shit. Joe, I don't know what you watch, but it's, dude, Patricia Arquette and Jason Clarke are un-fucking-real, dude. I just finished it today. Oh, so it's a recreation documentary. Well, the doc is also- It just happened, too. It just happened. I think some events are still being unfolded. The doc is also incredible. But what's the official trailer that you just showed me? That's a different thing. Oh, so this was the Netflix show from, like, two years ago. Yeah. Okay, but that's the documentary. Yes, so the show just came out. Oh, I saw it. [2:16:34] But, you know, they have all the facts. And, Joe, it's wild how they end up finding out that it's him. He did not cover his bases at all. I mean, he – but he tried to. He tried to, like, throw the phones away, and then he drove to his mom's as, like, an alibi. Look how creepy his hands look in that photo. What's going on with that? Why is his hands covered in blood? Oh, man. Probably just to allude to the murder, but – I guess. So, like, that to me, like – but, again, it's murder and it's drama and it's a limited series. I think it was just eight episodes. Oh. [2:17:02] People are into that stuff. Bro. But the reality... Imagine you kill your wife and your son. [2:17:07] Yeah, crazy. Just to... [2:17:12] create a distraction basically and be like... And victimize himself to be like... Who did he say killed his wife and his son? He said it was people that were probably coming after for the whole boat accident. Because the town had kind of turned on the family being like, the kid got away with it because he's a powerful attorney and they... Whatever. And so he tried to go... [2:17:27] And he cried and they came and he was like, it's probably the guys that were upset about the boat thing. We've been getting all these hateful people coming after us. How long did he get away with it? He even cried on the sand. He still to this day. Snot coming out of his nose. Yeah. He still to this day maintains his innocence.

[2:17:43] But they put everything together, dude. And on the phone, there's a phone that his son had before you hear. The dad says he wasn't down at the kennels when they were saying bye to the dogs before the mom took off and was like, I'm going to divorce you. I'm going to live at our beach house. So he also was sad about that. And the son had his phone out videotaping the dog. And you hear Alex in the background talking. And he said he wasn't there. So that was a big red flag where it was like, dude, you're on the fucking video. [2:18:10] crazy god but yeah shooting kind of guy that's like willing to murder his son and his wife is not thinking straight yeah you said he was on pills what kind of pills you know man oxys or something i think so yeah yeah some something that was just numbing everything you know some heroin haze yeah with a gun yep and then he's in jail and his older son comes to visit him he's like dad did you do this what's going on he's like dude look at me of course not why would i why would i kill your mother he's like there's somebody out there and he goes he's like i'm sorry i lied about [2:18:40] I was there, but I was there and then I left. And then I went to go visit your grandma. And then that's when it happened. I mean, the timeline just doesn't, I mean, it doesn't happen. So his son's just like. [2:18:49] Like realizing my dad killed my mom. Yeah, and being like, and you're lying to me. You won't even, even in jail, you're just like. You're in jail forever. And then he even goes, he goes, thank God I left. Otherwise, they could have, you know, gotten me too. [2:19:02] Wild, dude. Oh, wow. [2:19:04] Imagine just committing that hard to like a... Monsters are real. Yeah. There's some people that are just real monsters. [2:19:13] You know, like what do they say? What percentage of people are sociopaths, like complete sociopaths? We have no empathy for other people. We've clocked that. There's a percentage. I think they think there's like a certain measurable percentage of people that walk amongst us that are complete sociopaths. Whoa. And even if they don't do anything horrible, they really don't care about other people. They don't have any feelings.

[2:19:33] about other people. Both of those are attached to being a sociopath. Yeah, and I think probably there's a connection of narcissism in there too. But okay, one to four percent. Percentage of people who are sociopaths often associated with antisocial personality disorder is generally estimated to be around one to four percent of the general population. More specifically, some studies suggest about one to two percent with around three percent of males and one percent of females exhibiting sociopathic tendencies. One notable estimate is that approximately three to [2:20:03] be sociopaths or have ASPD, with some sources citing 1 in 25 people, 4%, as having sociopathic traits. [2:20:13] I [2:20:14] Interesting. [2:20:16] Yeah. [2:20:17] We got to think sociopaths are disproportionately represented in prison populations. The thing about sociopaths, though, I don't know if that's a nature or nurture thing. [2:20:26] you know, to have like no empathy. Is that something that happened because of something that happened to you as a baby? Probably. Could be. [2:20:33] Like you just – no one cared about you. You didn't care about anybody. Like you never developed an ability to care. Or is it – because I know some people that were terribly treated when they were young, but they're great people. They're kind and sweet because of the fact they were treated so poorly. They're really kind and sweet to other people. You can develop that approach to life. What's the difference though between – that's the question. Is it like something wrong? It's like could you be a good person and still be a sociopath? Like you really don't care about other people, but you just do the right thing.

[2:21:03] Right things do. But like if. Like just because you weren't hugged maybe a ton as a kid or maybe you only had. Well, I'm getting at that. I don't know. Maybe it's not. Maybe it's a genetic thing. Maybe it's just a weird like you didn't get all the ingredients, you know. Could be. Yeah. What a bummer. Because I feel like that's a pretty common human thread to have empathy. Oh, yeah. And compassion. Like that's. That's what keeps us together. Core traits. Yeah. Yeah. It's like people that don't want that. Like you don't want friends like that. What? You don't care about people. [2:21:33] with anybody, don't you? Like in any situation. Well, you could fake it. [2:21:37] You could fake empathy and compassion. If you're a real sociopath, it's got a lot of... [2:21:43] time like tricking people like your whole life you've been tricking people maybe you're a real good politician yeah you know anybody like that and so then yeah and then so you get to this point where that's like you're just really good at pretending that you care about everything and you really care about nothing yeah [2:21:58] Yeah. [2:22:00] What's your best quality? Mine? Yeah. I have no idea. What do you, like, what do you, if you had to, like, uh. What am I, are we on a date? This is crazy. [2:22:08] You're a likable guy. Like, what do you, like, what's your, like, I don't know, what do you, what do you leave with? Your outlook at life? I'd say that, right? You're a glass half full guy. I have a good outlook, yeah, but I've also been very lucky, you know, so there's a lot of that. Like, you have to really take it into consideration. You created your own good luck, though. Some of it, sure. Sure. [2:22:25] But some of it is just, you know, you don't get hit in the head by a meteor. You know, you don't die in a car accident. Like some of it is just flat out luck. [2:22:33] This part of life that appears to be very random. Sure.

[2:22:37] And that you can't control. So anybody that's like successful at all, there is a percentage, whatever the percentage is, 30, whatever it is, there's luck. There's luck involved. But you worked everything you did as far as like having this. For sure. Get her attitude and put yourself in positions. Yeah. And then make good on those opportunities, right? 100%. But it's also luck. 1,000. You have to have that too. You have to have a bunch of like things that happen. [2:23:02] you know, [2:23:03] In the right order. Yeah. [2:23:05] for things to work out well. Because we all know really talented people that for whatever reason never got it together. [2:23:10] You know, especially in comedy. Yeah. Because there's so many people that we know that were like really talented. Like they had something special and they just never followed through or they just died. They couldn't deal with the rejection. They couldn't deal with the bombing on stage. They couldn't deal with the hours that you have to put in. And they fell off. Dude. There was a lot of guys from the early days where I was like, man, this guy's going to be fucking huge. You think there's more people that... [2:23:34] Like if you started then versus now would drop off. [2:23:38] Because, again, like we were talking about with clips and just having more ways to be discovered or have more opportunities to create. They'd have more of a chance today. Yeah. Yeah, you had very few chances back in the day. The chances back in the day were real simple. You had to either get on Evening at the Improv or the MTV Half Hour Comedy Hour or Letterman. Letterman was like the golden goose. Or the Tonight Show when Johnny Carson was running it. If you got on the Tonight Show when Johnny Carson was running it, you could legitimately have a full career.

[2:24:08] Back then was a club comic. A career was a touring club comic. So you just named four opportunities. Yes. That's... [2:24:14] Fucking nuts. They were really hard to get on to. Well, the Letterman one was. The ones that were easier to get on was like they filmed a lot of those MTV half-hour comedy hours. So a lot of people got on those. And you really only needed like seven minutes. Yeah. So there was a lot of those. [2:24:29] And that helped. And then so you could say as seen on MTV's half hour comedy hour and someone comes see you at the comedy hut. Yeah. And then you're out there, you know, working. But there wasn't a lot of things that could turn you into like an act that could draw on the road anywhere. You were basically like, oh, this guy was on Comedy Central, so he must be funny. Let's take a chance to go see him. Sure. [2:24:59] But now... [2:25:02] You know, all you have to do is just have a clip. [2:25:05] And that clip goes viral, and then you're selling out theaters, like, right away. Yeah. So it's definitely more opportunity for someone to pop. And there was a lot of guys back then that had, like, great bits. And they just fucking never got the show. They never got this. They developed an alcohol problem, whatever it was. Wanted more – [2:25:28] consistent stability and maybe just wanted like income that was yeah there's a lot of that too or they get married and have a child and then the wife is like hey you need to get a regular fucking job this dream is crazy it's killing us

[2:25:39] You got to be home. You know, you can't go out on the weekends every weekend and make $200. It's crazy, you know. [2:25:46] Yeah, my brother-in-law was rapping and slinging weed, and then they got... My brother-in-law is a white rapper named Dirty. Shout out. [2:25:56] And he... [2:25:57] My sister, when they got married, was like, yeah, you can't be doing, like, she didn't shut down the performing, but she was like the... [2:26:03] The drug stuff's got to... Yes, not good. Yeah, we got kids. You shouldn't be a drug dealer. People shouldn't be coming to the house. Yeah, and a daddy. Yeah. Good advice. Yeah. Sound advice from a woman. Yeah, yeah. No, she cleaned them up. Yeah, it's... The dream of trying to make it in the rap world is probably just as hard, if not harder, than the dream of trying to make it in comedy, right? He had a nice little run. I let him close out our Seattle Dr. Phil live show. Oh, really? Which was cool, yeah. We did the Neptune up there. It was like 1,100 seats. My nieces, who'd never... [2:26:33] He rapped? How'd he go? Awesome. He murdered. Is he killer? Is he really good at it? Dirty. Pull him up. Let me hear it. Okay. Tell everybody where you're going to be. You're the man. Tell everybody how they can find you online. Yeah. On tour right now. Clubs the rest of the year. Last Dr. Phil Live at the Wiltern, December 16th. I'm doing the Moore Theater in Seattle. First theater show home in Seattle. [2:26:53] December 19th. And then the theater tour, the Who Is Me theater tour starts in January, goes through April. AdamRayComedy.com specials, like and subscribe on YouTube where you are right now. Adam Ray Comedy, Instagram, Twitter, TikTok. Are you around tonight? You want to do a set? [2:27:09] I'm leaving tonight. Are you flying back? I fucking love you, dude. I fucking love you. I had a feeling you were going to ask. Sorry. I have to leave right after this. Did you wait here last night? Yeah.

[2:27:17] I didn't know if I should bug you or just Adam. Like, what's... [2:27:21] Oh, just text me. Really? All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anytime you're in town, you can do a set. I love you. I love you, too. Thanks for having me. It was a lot of fun. Always, always. And if anybody's ever seen Adam on Kill Tony, they literally are some of the funniest fucking episodes of all time. Thanks, brother. The Dr. Phil one's fantastic. Thanks, brother. The Biden one's fantastic. You're really good at it, man. I appreciate it, man. Yeah, you called me after the Tony ep, which was really cool, man. Yeah, I was like, this is insane. I thought it was a butt dial. No, no, no. I picked it up, and I was like, hello? That is so good. It was so good. I was dying. I was like, oh, no. [2:27:51] going, oh, no. It was so dead on. Did you know what was happening? No, I had no idea. So you just went there? I had no idea. Yes. I had no idea. Because you don't go to all of them, right? No. I had no idea that you were going to be Tony. Shut the fuck up. You were just randomly there for that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought he told you and that's why you came. No, no, no. I come to a few. Yeah. I've come to a bunch. Yeah. Yeah, but I know that one was awesome. It was awesome. See the man, Joe. Appreciate you, brother. All right. Bye, everybody. See you guys.

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